Jokes

From Westprint friday 5 .

Something to lighten up the current Covid crisis.

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem

.I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for my next holiday - The Living Room or The Bedroom

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job

.I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Daylight Savings Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog.....we laughed a lot

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet

.I'm so excited - it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 5 of Home-schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Day 6 of Home-schooling: My child just said: "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.


So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.


That did the trick.

Freddie Mercury once smashed two bottles of wine, however this didn't satisfy him.


Afterwards he said, "I want to break three."

A friend worked on a lot of building sites and he knew a guy who used to offer a "Concrete Guarantee" which went like this, "The guarantee is over as soon as I step off this concrete."

Apologies if you've heard this one, but in lockdown...



Barry and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Qantas Aircraft mechanics in
Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this
more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RANDLOVER

A friend worked on a lot of building sites and he knew a guy who used to offer a "Concrete Guarantee" which went like this, "The guarantee is over as soon as I step off this concrete."

---

that sounds a lot like my 30x30 concrete guarantee.

its guaranteed to till 30 seconds after you start it, till I'm 30 feet from it or until it leaves or I leave the slab of concrete it was fixed on, whichever comes first.

some people like to observe that usually I'm fixing them on dirt, grass, gravel, asphalt or bricks in which case, you dont get a guarentee.

https://youtu.be/35FgHRaOnnQ

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Eevo

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.


So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.


That did the trick.

---

Spoken like a true married man!

Works every time for me. In fact, it's happening right now. "Coming dear."

About 30 years ago I was sitting with some blokes around a fire in the Kimberley when the 70 something cockie appears with his dog – a beautiful Weimaraner (pretty unusual in the bush). After getting himself comfortable and downing the first of many free beers we offered, he responded to a comment about how come he had such a classy dog.
“Well my daughter brought him back from Perth as a pup but left within the year to go to university so I sort of inherited him. I have had many dogs over the years but Rufus is by far the smartest. I often have blokes like you and inevitably there is a smart arse in the group. We had one last year.
“How can that show-pony be smarter than a Kelpie or Blue Healer?”
“Well, he is as good as another person at times and I always take him with me. I will give you an example.
I see you have a billy ready to go on the fire and stuff out for your breakfast so I will get Rufus to boil an egg for me”
The bloke of course said bullcrap.
“Rufus egg”
Rufus went across to where the eggs and bacon were sitting ready to cook, picked up an egg in his mouth and dropped it in the billy. Now I am sure he could have put the billy on the fire but I did not want him to burn himself so I positioned it on the edge with the handle on the outside so it would not get hot.
After a few minutes I said, “Rufus egg”
Rufus went over and with a careful pull on the handle pulled the billy over and the egg rolled out on the ground. Now Rufus is really smart so he waited for a minute or so before gently touching it with his foot. After a couple of tests he reckoned it was cool enough to pick up in his mouth, which he did and brought it over, gently placing it at my feet.
“So how smart is that?” I said to this bloke.
“All he did was tip the billy over. How are you going to eat it, you don’t have an egg-cup?”
“Rufus egg.”
With that Rufus leaned forward and stood vertical on his head.