God!!! some of these jokes are funny.:clap2:
Printable View
God!!! some of these jokes are funny.:clap2:
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
'What's your hurry?
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?
'Well, ' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face.....PRICELESS
Did you hear about the Irish termite? It was found dead inside a brick!!!
Nurse: "Doctor, doctor, that patient you just treated has collapsed and died on the front steps. What should we do?"
Doctor: "Quick - turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving".
:D:D:D:D:D:D:DQuote:
Originally Posted by pop058
Dave was attending his 4WD club's monthly meeting and had just told them
he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his
wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
4WD buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should be there but Dave sitting in front of his 4WD, tent up, beer in
hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to
the bed and you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am!"
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her ****?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...009/11/768.jpg, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
The Fire Fighters
One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch , a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said,
'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000
to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that
were parked outside the plant
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right
in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Rangi, the 70-year-old fire chief,
'The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f@#%*&g truck!'
A BMW asked a Volkswagen Beetle"Why are your eyes popping out of your body?" The Volkswagen replied, "Let them put an engine in your arse and see what happens to your eyes."
A mother had 3 virgin daughters..
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
And the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
And she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing...
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said:
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
Mumfainted!
Can of paint
A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower”. “The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way
with her right then and there." admitted the man shamefacedly.
“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the Reverend.
"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Bunnings either”.