Jokes

> : My New Golf Book
>
>
> Dear Friends,
>
> I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread The news about this essential read.
>
> This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 50+ years of experience.
>
> Highlights include:
>
> Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
>
> Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
>
> Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
>
> Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
>
> Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
>
> Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
>
> Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
>
> Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
>
> Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

> Chapter 10) How to help your opponent find his ball when you are standing on it

> The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY
>
> Ø A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
>
> Ø A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
>
> Ø A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
>
> Ø A Cuban - needs one more revolution
>
> Ø An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
>
> Ø An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
>
> Ø A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
>
> Ø A Kate Moss - bit thin
>
> Ø A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
>
> Ø A Rodney King - over- clubbed
>
> Ø An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
>
> Ø A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
>
> Ø A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
>
> Ø A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
>
> Ø An elephant's arse - high and ****y
>
> Ø A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
>
> Ø A sister-in-law - up there but I know I shouldn't be
>
> I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!
>
> Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise.....
>
>

Three dogs were at the Vet

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet when they
struck up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow
Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I **** on everything... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked "So why are you
here?"
The black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said.

The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back
and started hammering away!"

The black and the yellow Lab's exchanged a sad glance and said, "so,
it's nuts off for you too, huh?"


The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr Whippy

There is another version of this joke(that I reckon is better) three pages back, post No. 1891

---

after a quick flick back.... I agree with you! Sorry!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

:)

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken

:)


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

Paddy and Mick were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers.




The passenger, Mick, suddenly said,




'Lord tundering.... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!!




We're gonna get busted for drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Paddy said.




'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers,




then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads,




and throw the bottles under the seat.'





'What fer?'





'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers,




threw the empties out of sight




and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock,




the Royal Irish Constabulary officer took a long look at the two of them and said,




'You boys been drinkin'?'




'No at all,' said Paddy, pointing at the labels.

'We're on the patches.' Bob

Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned"

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,
however, the ATO sent my Tax Return back!!

... I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said:
"List All Dependents"

So, I replied:

1/2 million illegal immigrants
1/4 million crack heads
2 million unemployable people living on welfare
1 million people in over 123 prisons
and
353 fools in Parliament House and the Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.....
So I sent it back with a question asking "did I forget someone"?

A question from a University of Washington mid term chemistry exam: "Is Hell exothermic [ gives off heat], or endothermic? [ absorbs heat] ".
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law [ gas cools off when it expands, & heats up when compressed ] , or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

' First we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are entering and leaving . I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the World today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since their are more than one of these religions, and since it can be assumed people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project all souls will go to hell.


With birth & death rates as they are , we can expect the no. of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyles law states that in order for the temp. & pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities....

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temp. & pressure in Hell will clearly increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temp. & pressures will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year that " It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you " , and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2) cannot be true. and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic. ' He got the only A. Bob

Repost.

See http://www.aulro.com/afvb/general-ch...ost627164.html