Jokes

A young Kiwi bloke starts work at a green grocer and a pensioner comes in wanting to buy half a lettuce, so he goes to the owner's office and says " Some cheap old mongrel wants to buy a half a lettuce" and then realising the guy has followed him says "and this gentleman has offered to buy the other half". Later the owner says to him "You're such a keen, hard-working guy. How come you couldn't get a job in New Zealand?", the young bloke answers "New Zealand is all rugby players and prostitutes", to which the owner says "My wife is from New Zealand" so the young bloke says "Oh really, which position did she play?".

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Aldi’s Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...






"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ ALDI"

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Originally Posted by cuppabillytea

Husband should have replied: No, it had a tiny Gladstone bag and wore dungarees.

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I had to Google "dungarees". Is it a Pommie term? I've always called them "bib and brace overalls".

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Originally Posted by p38arover

I had to Google "dungarees". Is it a Pommie term? I've always called them "bib and brace overalls".

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Well, if you are going to delve into it that far then, Flat Cap & Hobnail boots should get a mention. Council Roadworker or Shipyard Worker springs to mind Maybe a Coal Miner at a pinch would do. [bigrolf]

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Originally Posted by p38arover

I had to Google "dungarees". Is it a Pommie term? I've always called them "bib and brace overalls".

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Yes. I always called them that too as did King Gee. One of my fellow Apprentice Electrical Fitters in 1971 was issued with them. We nick named him Farmer Brown and it stuck.

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Originally Posted by cuppabillytea

Yes. I always called them that too as did King Gee. One of my fellow Apprentice Electrical Fitters in 1971 was issued with them. We nick named him Farmer Brown and it stuck.

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If you had named him Farmer Giles it would have stuck as well.[biggrin]

Not quite sure about the Dungaree thing. During the Great Depression of the 1920 - 30s my old Dad was employed by the MTT to be be the bloke who ran an edged Cleaning Tool along the Tram Line grooves to clear out the ****.

To protect him whilst walking out in the middle of the main road he had a Red Flag on a stick stuck in his rear pocket. No kid. Who said OH&S was a new thing? Traffic was not as busy as today so he returned home each day un-scathed.

He was issued with a "Suit" of Blue Denim consisting of a long sleeved Jacket & Trousers. No head gear or safety boots that I can recall, nor saw later in life but his jacket was knocking around the place which we kids played with.
These blokes were still cleaning tracks at the time of my early working years.

Maybe these suits were also called Dungarees????


EDIT.
I seem to recall that the fore runner of Denim Jeans were called Dungarees as worn by crews of Merchant Ships that came in to Port Adelaide. They were certainly advertised as such in clothing store window displays at the Port. No fancy stitching, pockets etc just a good old fashioned clothing well made.

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Originally Posted by 4bee

If you had named him Farmer Giles it would have stuck as well.[biggrin]

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Not much sticks better than Brown.

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Originally Posted by NavyDiver

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

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10k used to be the going rate.

Years ago I said to all my friends that if I made noises about starting a restaurant or a winery just rustle up the 10k and put me out of future misery. They'd have got their money back.

DL

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Originally Posted by 350RRC

10k used to be the going rate.

Years ago I said to all my friends that if I made noises about starting a restaurant or a winery just rustle up the 10k and put me out of future misery. They'd have got their money back.

DL

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Don't say that, they might think they are in your will for $10 K or more, so you might have an unfortunate accident.

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Originally Posted by cuppabillytea

Not much sticks better than Brown.

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Sticks or did you mean it often Stinks? [biggrin]

We are giving Superhero and Disney character band aids as a distraction to kids getting vaxed. Kids get to choose one which works a treat while needle is out and ready. Nurses idea not mine.

Some honestly decline the fads and chose the Brown ones.

I instantly correct suggesting its the fashionable Beige not just Brown.

Ice Elsa and Ironman seem the other choice - The adults just the the fashionable option [bigrolf]