Thread: Jokes

News Flash
It's just been confirmed that Patrick Swayze did not die of cancer. He died from eating poison oysters.

Tomorrows headlines will be;

OYSTERS KILL PATRIC

Prince Charles decided to
take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street
corner.
He learned to brace himself as he
approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became
even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as

she watched the pair jog past.





Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:








"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

How do you Circumcise a Whale..





Send down 4 skin divers..


I know..I know..its bad...

Originally Posted by Ean Austral

How do you Circumcise a Whale..





Send down 4 skin divers..


I know..I know..its bad...

There's an Old Folks home, and 1 of the old fella's in there was a copper all his life and everytime the old woman in her wheelchair cruised passed his room he would put on his hat, grab his notebook put his hand up for her to stop and check out her wheelchair for defects.
Sometimes he'd say You have bald tyres, or you were going to fast in the corridores..This goes on week after week, sometime she'd be written up some times she''d be let off
Then 1 night she is cruising past his room, and he jumps out stark naked,
Oh no she cries...Not the BREATHALIZER..


Cheers Ean

Enjoy Your Old Age ???
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.
"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You
take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes
out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Arthur is 95 years old. He has played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad...once I've hit the
ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three.
He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is
Perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office. When asked his occuption Paddy answered "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies knickers and tongs."
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 pounds as week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation he replied "Diesel Fitter." Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave him 160 pound a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. he stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained "Knicker Stitcher are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.

"What skill." yelled Paddy. "I sew da elestic on da knickers and tongs, Then Mick puts dem over is head and says "Yep diesel fitter"

Randwick Races..............

A group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied..............................'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the third.'