Jokes

Sith · 28th February 2010, 05:52 PM

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says..

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the Bastard.'

**V8Ian** · 28th February 2010, 06:13 PM

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passingsoldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight balland rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

**VladTepes** · 5th March 2010, 07:04 PM

The state of the health system.
Only rude if your kids can read.. and with the state of the education system today it's odds on they can't !

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Su3tsL-ZkY&feature=player_embedded#"]YouTube- Hitler RANNting about his new hospital[/ame]

**VladTepes** · 5th March 2010, 07:04 PM

The state of the health system.
Only rude if your kids can read.. and with the state of the education system today it's odds on they can't !

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Su3tsL-ZkY&feature=player_embedded#"]YouTube- Hitler RANNting about his new hospital[/ame]

**ADMIRAL** · 5th March 2010, 10:48 PM

Apologies if this has been submitted previously - not going to check 110 pages

3 Women having a chat!

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a longtime wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some SM role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman said That's pretty much my story! When my Fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had at it all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

**spudfan** · 6th March 2010, 03:55 AM

Black leather bodice,garter belt, black stockings etc. Are these available as genuine Land Rover parts?If so could you supply part numbers please?

**Cap** · 6th March 2010, 07:06 AM

Originally Posted by spudfan

Black leather bodice,garter belt, black stockings etc. Are these available as genuine Land Rover parts?If so could you supply part numbers please?

I think they are, but only available from the UK

**Bigbjorn** · 6th March 2010, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by stooge

I think they are, but only available from the UK

Probably available at the Members Only Shop at the Houses of Parliament. Fairly normal casual dress for Conservative Party pollies.

**ezyrama** · 6th March 2010, 03:08 PM

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $299 to $399, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
--

**ezyrama** · 6th March 2010, 03:09 PM

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aint." said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep" was the calm reply. "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."

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