Thread: Jokes

Very funny.

Ever wonder [ in your relationship ] how 'the fight' started ...




One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift ...

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...





My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, ‘then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...




I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...




My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started .




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend ... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.




I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF !!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.




THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf.
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Originally Posted by Chucaro

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

...and finally, by tradition, we conclude by saying "Amen" and not "Cheers"

70 Ways for not getting a Job
Job application answers
1. Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.”
2. Interests: “Gossiping.”
3. Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”
4. Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
5. Employer: ” Myself; received pay raise for high sales.”
6. Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.”
7. Experience: “Chapter president, 1887-1992.”
8. Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.”
9. Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
10. Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.”
11. Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
12. Additional skills: “I am a Notary Republic.”
13. Objective: “So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’”
14. Skills: “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”
15. Objective: “To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day.”
16. Skills: “I have technical skills that will take your breath away.”
17. Qualifications: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
18. Objective: “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
19. Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.”
20. Experience: “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.”
21. Skills: “Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years.”
22. Objective: “I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness.”
23. Education: “I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more.”
24. Education: “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
25. Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”
26. Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
27. Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
28. References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
29. Work experience: “Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations – a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get.”
30. Personal: “I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do.”
31. Objective: “Student today. Vice president tomarrow.”
32. Accomplishments: “Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.”
33. Application: Why should an employer hire you? “I bring doughnuts on Friday.”
34. Achievements: “First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982.”
35. Reason for leaving: “Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
36. Special skills: “I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.”
37. Reason for leaving last job: “Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.”
38. Experience: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
39. Objective: “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!”
40. Objective: “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.”
41. Hobbies: “Mushroom hunting.”
42. Experience: “Child care provider: Organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes.”
43. Objective: “My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.”
44. Awards: “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”
45. Heading on stationery: “I’d Break Mom’s Heart to Work For You!”
46. “I am a ‘neat nut’ with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime.”
47. Experience: “Provide Custer Service.”
48. Experience: “I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around.”
49. Strengths: “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
50. Work experience: “Responsibilities included checking customers out.”
51. Work experience: “Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees’ paychecks.”
52. Educational background: “Highschool was a incredible experience.”
53. Resume: “A great management team that has patents with its workers.”
54. Cover letter: “Experienced in all faucets of accounting.”
55. Objective: “I am anxious to use my exiting skills.”
56. Personal: “I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut.”
57. Job duties: “Filing, billing, printing and coping.”
58. Application: “Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking.”
59. Reason for leaving: “Terminated after saying, ‘It would be a blessing to be fired.’”
60. Personal: “My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando’s proximity to Disney World.”
61. Resume: “I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”
62. Resume: “Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.”
63. Qualifications: “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
64. “I am fully aware of the king of attention this position requires.”
65. References: “Please do not contact my immediate supervisor at the company. My colleagues will give me a better reference.”
66. “Worked in a consulting office where I carried out my own accountant.”
67. Accomplishments: “My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.”
68. Career: “I have worked with restraints for the past two years.”
69. Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
70. Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”

A man owned a small farm in Australia .




The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.


'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.


'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"


'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.


'Then there's the half-wit.


He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week,


pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'


'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.


'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

I used to work for Centrelink but it really sucked.
When they fired me, I still had to turn up to work.

I said to my ex " wanna play rape?" she said "NO!" .... I said "that's the spirit"

Subject: Fwd: The Tattoo











The Tattoo



A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as a real Rugby player.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his
p$&%s he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"