Thread: Jokes

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand
everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) , all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical !!!!!!"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in engineering," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my fault."

I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt.
No more online pyramid schemes then?

A lawyer boarded an Air Canada aircraft in Los Angeles with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in Montreal, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Los Angeles, please raise your hand".

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think!

Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket..
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Well it's not quite a joke by funny anyway...




China tries to pass Top Gun footage as military drill

Posted Sun Jan 30, 2011 10:24pm AEDT

• Related Link: Video: CCTV broadcast compared to Top Gun sequence

China's state broadcaster is facing questions after internet users spotted that footage in a report on air force manoeuvres in a national newscast was taken from the 1980s Hollywood film Top Gun.
China Central Television, or CCTV, aired the footage in a January 23 report on a People's Liberation Army Air Force training exercise, showing a plane firing a missile at another.
The second aircraft plane was destroyed in a fiery explosion and the dramatic footage was shown in between interviews with air force officers.
However, some internet users recognised the explosion from the dogfight in the final scene of the 1986 film Top Gun, starring Tom Cruise.
The Wall Street Journal posted a side-by-side video comparison of the CCTV news report and the Top Gun scene on its website, showing the two were identical.
A CCTV representative could not comment on the similarities, the Wall Street Journal said.
The Top Gun footage was aired a week after China vowed to step up its fight to protect intellectual property rights by targeting online piracy.
The original report was removed from the CCTV website after news that part of it had been lifted from the movie spread.
The gaffe has delighted many internet users who often express frustration about having to endure CCTV's propaganda-driven agenda.
"CCTV is the king of copycats," read one comment below a report posted on the video sharing website tudou.com.
- AFP

RELIGIOUS TRUTHS






TAOISM - **** happens




CONFUCIANISM – Confucious say ' **** happens'




BUDDHISM – If **** happens, it is really not ****.




ZEN BUDDHISM – What is the sound of **** happening ?




HINDUISM – This **** happened before.




ISLAM – If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.




PROTESTANTISM – Let **** happen to someone else.




CATHOLICISM – If **** happens, then you deserve it.




NEW AGE – Affirm, **** does not happen to me.




ATHIEST – I don't believe this ****!




RASTAFARIAN – Lets roll that **** up and smoke it !

When I went to lunch today, I saw an elderly lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I recently married a handsome husband ten years younger than I am. He is waiting now for me at home. He gives me a big kiss every morning and then gets up and makes me bacon and eggs, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then tells me how wonderful I am all afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with my favorite dessert and then tenderly holds my hand while we watch a romantic movie on the TV." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"