Thread: Jokes

Saw a fat bird walking down the street today with a t-shirt on saying "I love HIP HOP".


I think the letters C and S had fallen off.

THIS IS A WARNING FOR YOU FELLOWS>









Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those ****ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds:
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck, ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4" asked the husband.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're no where near the fire."

A Jewish Moyel is retiring after 50 years of service. For every circumcision he did he kept every second "cut".
On his very last cut he decided after 50 years he would take all the foreskins and have something memorable made from them.
He goes to a leatherman and says "make me something that will last me the rest of my life and have multiple uses."
"OK.... Give me a week"

The moyel returns after a week and the leatherman hands him a small coin purse.
"WHAT!!" shouted the moyel, " 50 years of foreskins and all I get is this little purse???!! "
"No..." says the leatherman, " Rub it a few times and you get a suitcase..!"


I am not a moderator, I am a human being!!!

Stolen from SA 4x4 Community Forum - Powered by vBulletin
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All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've commit yourself to one.

Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket

Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for a breakdown.

Landrovers have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's.
That's because they are always being towed by something else.

Why do LR's always drive in convoy?
The are playing 'Who's the weakest Link'

I always wondered why landrover called their models, a Series 90, Defender 110 etc. But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the model name are the top speeds.

When you drive on a toll road, you get these blue emergency phones next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are emergency numbers like; police, ambulance, doctor, Landrover Roadside Assist, NRMA etc.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Landy’s user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

Q: What is the sport-version of a Landy?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What do you call a Landy with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Landy gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge in the car.

Q: How do you make a Landy go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q. Why do the latest models have rear window demisters.
A. To keep the hands warm when pushing.

Those were great


But I do think the killer bees could get into mine.

Kate Middleton goes to the queen and asks for some marriage advice,

The queen says always wear a seat belt and don't **** me off!!

A man drives into a servo to fill up one day and is immediately approached by a person who says,'Terrorists have taken hostages of Gillard, Rudd and Swann just up the road and are demanding a ransom of $1 million or they will cover them in petrol and set them on fire, I am asking for any donations'.
Says the motorist,'How much are others giving in donations?', not wanting to appear too generous.
The reply was,'Oh, just about 5 Litres or so'.