Thread: Jokes

so its the late 1800's and we're in the serentiy that is the local wild west bar and saloon... theres a guy in a western playing away at the upright and the barmans doing his thing sliding pints down the old wood top to the customers.

Blam. skriky, skriky squeek. The bar stops, the piano play plays on oblivious, There inside the swinging doors stands the a large man twin holstered with a dark jacket and a black stetson a gold badge on his chest proclaims SHERRIF in black lettering. A stream of tabacco slings effortlessly into the spitton 20 feet away..

"I'm a lookin fer the brown paper cowbohy"

A sole voice from up the back hicks out
"Whell whatse look like?"

"got Brown Paper skin,
got a Brown Paper Beard,
wears a brown paper hat
and a brown paper shirt.
Wears a brown paper jacket
with brown paper pants,
Got a brown paper bandana
wears a brown paper holster
sgot a brown paper gun
fires brown paper bullets
carries em in a brown paper bandolier
E' rides a Brown paper horse
with a brown paper mane
s'got brown paper reins
and a brown paper saddle."

"whadja wanim for?"


"Rustlin"

Did he have a brown paper bag girlfriend??

It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget

I'd do it again

Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came.

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever?
?
?





















At milking a cow.

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today ! The teacher asked him "if I gave you twenty dollars and you paid five dollars to Kate , five dollars to Sally and five dollars to Linda . What would you have?"



Apparently three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab was the wrong answer............

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
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So they buried Debbie!

Recently, NT Police received an email from a resident through the feedback area on the NTPFES Website titled "Community Policing".

The resident posed the following question; "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

In response a Sergeant from Palmy replied:

First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In the Palmerston and rural area we average one cop for every 750 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "general patrols") where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment only one-fifth of the 60% general patrols are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 6,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day. Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another 1/3 of a second to drink a Paul's Iced Coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licences and the like. Its lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding FINS warrant on file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.

They are called "Statutes". These include the Criminal Code, Summary Offences Act, Traffic Act and a whole bunch of others ... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in Palmerston give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our favourites. "

A virile, older aged gentleman named was enjoying a drink at the bar when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.



Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.



After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"



She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."



Surprised, he reached for her and the rattling resumed.



This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, he smiles and asks, "You finish?"



Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."



Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, he reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking and clawing the bed sheets.


Exhausted, he falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"









Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear: "No, I Norwegian."