Thread: Jokes

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking ********.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located. I know some "404's"....do you?

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Lower back tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

* LAST TIME BUYER
A person buying a retirement home.

* BOBFOC
A Woman who looks great from behind but hideous from the front: "Body Of Baywatch, Face Of Crimewatch"
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There are only 2 types of economists:-

The first type can't predict global economic trends...

The second type don't know they can't predict global economic trends...

Over-engineered is a Money Mans term.

Friday avo and the Year 5 class are given an assignment for the weekend: To educate as many of their friends and family as possible about the evils of illicit drug use. Bonus points would be given for the innovative use of props.

Monday morning and Little Suzy is very excited. She is the first to volunteer to share here weekend assignment. She proudly states that she has convinced 12 people to n......ever use drugs. "Fantastic", says the teacher. "How did you do it?"

"Well, miss, I used a 5 cent coin and a 20 cent coin to help get my point across. I told my friends and family that, in relative terms, your brain is like a twenty cent coin before drug use, but shrinks to the size of a five cent coin!"

"Excellent work" said the teacher, proud as punch of her star student. Little Johnny, meanwhile is down the back of the class, picking his nose and not looking interested. The teacher sees this and demands Little Johnny to give his presentation.

So up Johnny gets and saunters to the front of the class. "How many people did you convince not to use drugs, young man?". "'Bout 40, miss", replies Little Johhny, as casual as ever.

The teacher was shocked. "How on earth did you do that?"

"Well, miss, it's like this", little Johhny replied. "I used a similar technique to that of Suzy" With that he pulls out a 5 cent and a 20 cent piece. "I told all me mates that drugs are illegal, and ya could go to jail if ya get caught. Before you go into jail, your asshole is the size of this 5 cent piece. When ya come out, its more like this 20 cent piece..."

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.







He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.







"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Queensland, Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, beautiful rivers, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Queensland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra,
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............

Researchers have determined that the most commonly used sexual position amongst married couples is "doggy style".

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Originally Posted by Brian Hjelm

Researchers have determined that the most commonly used sexual position amongst married couples is "doggy style".

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

I thought this was the 'jokes thread'

Nothing funny about that, too close to the truth.

A mother is cleaning her teenage son’s room when she sees some magazines under his bed …

… Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror, she screams.

The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son’s bed, and asks, “What’s wrong?” And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, “What are those?”

The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, “What are we gonna do with this boy?”

Her husband replies, “Well, we’re not gonna spank him. That’s for sure.”