Thread: Jokes

A little too close to the truth, perhaps.

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about

solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"



The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1.. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant..

2.. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3.. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4.. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6.. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.

7.. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8.. In Australia and NZ they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Originally Posted by Brian Hjelm

A little too close to the truth, perhaps.


8.. In Australia and NZ they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Right on...
Now I hear telecom is going to the Phipipines.

Robert.

Found this serious warning on Facebook, I though it best to share it.

well stuff me mushrooms,i thought we would never get rid of them.we just had some so called freinds from tassie visit and it was hell.
geez luoise,all they did was bitch and moan all the time they were here,i am back at work now and let me tell you ,its like going on a holiday for me,just saying.you know,all they did was just sponge of us all the time,they said they were comming up for a break and a bit of a holiday,but come on.when people go on a so called holiday they take money with them right.
na not this mob, they took advantage of us in the sense of food and taking them every were, not once did they offer to buy abit food for the pantry or take us out for dinner one night,that would of been nice,they never put in for fuel,all they did was say take us here take us there.
you know they could not of had any money because the only shopping they done here was at those bargain shops like sams warehouse.you know t---a and i went out of our way to play host for them, we took some leave to show them around, but they wouldnt get out of bed untill around 12.
you know what ,i blame f***ing Vet star for this,there so called cheap flights lets bogans like them fly around australia with no money, i am going to give them a ring and ask them to make sure if they let bogans fly they must have a certain amount of money with them,f**k Vet star.
There was one time they wanted to go to Brisbane, on the way they wanted dinner, they said they would shout us,that was nice, so we called in to a kfc out let, they went in, came back out with a medium coke and small fries for me and t---a to share,whilst they were in the back tucking into a ten piece feed each,come on.
they also never washed any clothes,one of them, i reckon wore the same pair of socks the whole time they were here, the other one hardly had a shower,but when she did she would be in there for over an hour, na they just took advantage of us and never again, so if all you guys out there have visitors comming make sure they dont fly f***ing Vet star because you know the bogans wont have any money, just saying.

Slightly edited by your truly, to get past the swear filter etc.
.

Found this, and thought it would strike a chord with a few here!

A guy is sitting on his porch taking in the morning sun whilst he reads the newspaper. At the end of the street a Council truck arrives and two Council workers get out, pick two shovels out of the back and one proceeds to dig a hole in the footpath and the other then fills it in. They do this outside every house, working their way up the street.

When they get to his house, the by now mightily curious guy asks what they are doing.

"We're the council tree planting programme" says one. "The guy who plants the tree pulled a sickie today."

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie are talking about screams of passion.
The Italian fellow said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said:
That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with a special butter.I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Cowboy




I

The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."