Thread: Jokes

Possibly a re-post, but what the heck...

Q: What do Series Land Rovers and the Titanic have in common?


A: They have the same turning circle and they're just as waterproof.

Originally Posted by d2dave

Does it really mater as it is only a joke.

Oh yeh, I laughed and got a few mates too. They all asked though so I had to ask my wife what it said. I was disappointed that it wasn't something dirty.


Happy days.

Originally Posted by C00P

Possibly a re-post, but what the heck...

Q: What do Series Land Rovers and the Titanic have in common?


A: They have the same turning circle and they're just as waterproof.

A bit like Landrover Discovery(D1 tdi) and Space Shuttle Discovery. Both have a lot in common

Both blow a lot of smoke on start up, both very slow on take off and bits fall off them.

And as for V8 Disco they both use about the same amount of fuel

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Who put the "s" in the word "lisp"?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

An Aussie and a Kiwi go to a baker's shop.
The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice

The Kiwi says to the Aussie :

"You’ll never beat that!"


The Aussie says to the Kiwi :

"Watch and learn!"


He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker:

"Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too.

Then he says again:

"Give me one more biscuit."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Aussie eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and yells:

"Where's your famous magic trick?"

The Aussie says:

"Look in the Kiwi's pocket!"

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '

' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
' Why does it cost so much?'

' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' declares the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'

' No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
' I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers,

' Unhook my braces from your door mirror'

TWO blokes are chatting in their hospital beds.
“What are you in for?” says the first.
“Camera down the throat,” the other replies.
“Oh, endoscopy?” the first man asks.
“Yes,” he says. “Checking for stomach cancer. What about you?”
“Camera up the back passage,” he says.
“Oh, colonoscopy. Checking for bowel cancer?” quizzes the second man.
“No, my sexy next door neighbour was sunbathing topless and my wife caught me taking a photo.

David Cameron walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Cameron: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Cameron: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and
made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular
shot we cashed his cheque..

So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Prime Minister?"

Cameron stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"