Thread: Jokes

4 FACTS:

These facts are irrefutable so be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

I saw some absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach at Hunstanton yesterday.

I saw this man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids. The man seemed to be provoking the woman - Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off.

There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and, to protect himself, took his baton to the man in an attempt to arrest him but after an enormous fight the guy managed to snatch the baton off him and began assaulting the policeman and his wife at the same time!............











Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up & stole all the sausages

Movie Test



This is pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.

I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.

Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.





Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Isn’t that something....?

Originally Posted by kenleyfred

Movie Test

This is pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.

Liar

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.a spouse was $20,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the one dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles supermarket.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,
including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)






























'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Coles

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That might actually be the worst joke I've ever heard

Sent from my HTC One using AULRO mobile app

Originally Posted by Disco Muppet

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That might actually be the worst joke I've ever heard

its up there

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his
pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He
pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills
the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh good that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."