Thread: Jokes

No Nativity scene in Canberra this year ......


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.


This isn't for any religious reason.


They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra . . .


The search for a Virgin continues . . . .


However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable!

The other day I held a door open for a clown, it was a nice jester.

I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...


.. So they unplugged my Computer and threw out all my wine.

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.


On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,


“How much money do you make a week?”


A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”


The CEO said,”Wait right here.”


He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”


Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,


“Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”


From across the room a voice said,


“Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world.

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America and Russia they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand , Canada and Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent !

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'


The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'


The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'


The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'


The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"


"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"


"Thanks Dad"


"No problem Alan"

An English girl is sitting on a hillside in the Highlands together with a Heelan' laddie who is wearing a kilt. Curiosity eventually gets the better of her and she asks,
"What do you Scotsmen have under your kilts?"
He replies,
"Put yer haind up under it an' find oot".
She does so, then suddenly pulls it out with a shriek,
"Ooh! It's gruesome!"


"Aye, do that agin an' it'll groo some more!"