Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by V8Ian

Nowt wrong with a Swiss roll, eh Ron?

Tut tut.

Originally Posted by DazzaTD5

Thats not a joke its merely people's ignorance...

A joke is buying a new... Holden, Ford, VW or Mercedes..... each time I see a new one I do laugh...

What about a used one?

Originally Posted by Disco-tastic

What about a used one?

Holden to VN, Ford to XF, Merc to early 80's and VW to about the same. Seems to be a patten there though - all available for club rego...

So much new stuff you see and wonder if the owners did any research before shelling out their cash as there are more stinkers around now than ever and the majority just keep blindly buying them...

Was walking through a park with my Wife when a child ran up crying and spluttered 'I don't know where me Mum's gone to'.

My Wife nudges me and says 'Say something to him'

I bend down and take a knee - 'Hey kid, don't end a sentance with a preposition.'

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.
That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.
That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.

You're a bright spark!

Originally Posted by cuppabillytea

At least the Swiss get a mention. The rest of us must be doing menial tasks.

Anyway; Hows the Fondu at your place? Can she get real Emmental?

I don't think we've had a fondue since the mid-Seventies.

When Ireland declared war on France

Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."