Thread: Jokes

My girlfriend works at the zoo.
I think she's a keeper.

If it's old jokes you like, here's one from the Soviet era:

Ivan, a Muscovite and Communist Party member, finally succumbs to the pleading of his wife Natasha that he should buy them a car. He puts together all the roubles they have been able to save and approaches the grey government building, where he joins a long queue that extends two blocks down the snow-covered street. Frozen to the bone, he is eventually admitted to a windowless office where, over the course of seven hours, he is subjected to lengthy background checks, is interviewed by three different political staffers and fills in a wad of application forms. At the end of this ordeal, Ivan is marched to the cashiers window where he hands over the satchel containing his and Natasha's savings. The clerk then tells him 'Very good Comrade, you have met all the requirements to be issued with a private vehicle. Come back at precisely nine-thirty a.m on this date in ten years and you may collect your car'.

Ivan turns pale. 'Nine-thirty a.m ten years from now??' he says, incredulously. 'Nine-thirty a.m. ten years from now!? Comrade, I cannot accept this!' says Ivan, shaking his head.

'Cannot accept this?' asks the clerk, glancing toward the two soldiers who flank the door. 'What do you mean, comrade, when you say you cannot accept this?'

'I cannot accept this, Comrade!' says Ivan, 'The plumber is coming at nine thirty.'

I thought Ivan was going to say summat like,"I won't even be able to afford a watch either in 10 years".

I was only helping that sheep through the fence.

What does DNA stand for?
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association. .

or What does DNA stand for?
National Dylsexic Association.

Originally Posted by Bigbjorn

The most common lies told by our cousins from Biddleonia across the Tasman.

My mother was a Polynesian princess.

I trialled with the All Blacks.

I have never applied for the dole in Australia.

I was only helping that sheep through the fence.

A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore


An Aussie said, “Take away your snow capped mountains, culture, and good food, and what would New Zealand be?”
The kiwi answered, “Australia

I like the russian black humour as I hear it a lot

one of the better ones,
Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie. He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him." Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?" Stalin replies, "Good idea! First shave, then shoot!"

Embarrassing.

Originally Posted by POD

If it's old jokes you like, here's one from the Soviet era:

Ivan, a Muscovite and Communist Party member, finally succumbs to the pleading of his wife Natasha that he should buy them a car. He puts together all the roubles they have been able to save and approaches the grey government building, where he joins a long queue that extends two blocks down the snow-covered street. Frozen to the bone, he is eventually admitted to a windowless office where, over the course of seven hours, he is subjected to lengthy background checks, is interviewed by three different political staffers and fills in a wad of application forms. At the end of this ordeal, Ivan is marched to the cashiers window where he hands over the satchel containing his and Natasha's savings. The clerk then tells him 'Very good Comrade, you have met all the requirements to be issued with a private vehicle. Come back at precisely nine-thirty a.m on this date in ten years and you may collect your car'.

Ivan turns pale. 'Nine-thirty a.m ten years from now??' he says, incredulously. 'Nine-thirty a.m. ten years from now!? Comrade, I cannot accept this!' says Ivan, shaking his head.

'Cannot accept this?' asks the clerk, glancing toward the two soldiers who flank the door. 'What do you mean, comrade, when you say you cannot accept this?'

'I cannot accept this, Comrade!' says Ivan, 'The plumber is coming at nine thirty.'

President Reagan - YouTube