Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

Physics subjects were included in the first year of my Medicine course at Qld Uni way back in 1975.

I have put this in the joke section but it is a true story.
Some years ago my wife and her sister took their mother shopping. One of the things on the list was a new bra for the mother in law. Anyway the expedition was made, the bra was bought and fitted and the old one dumped in the backseat of the Puma.
There the bra lay in full view of anyone looking in the window. Of course I drove around and parked up for quite sometime without spotting the aforementioned garment. It finally came to light when I was in the local builder provider's yard and I went to fold the middle row seats. Enough said.

So what you sayin' Willis, you can fit two Parachute Packs in the back?

Four Landrover drivers on a lap across Oz. The “Bogan Black Disco”- Navy Diver, “Buzzing” 4Bee, “Dashing” Ian V8 and “Incisive” Incisor arrived in Onnandatta on Monday afternoon, after a very ‘dry’ dusty trip over the Simpson D, They were stretching there legs walking down the road. They came along a sign that said,"Onnandatta Road house - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other thinking, This is too good to be true. Their stiff legs moved faster than ‘an emu being chased by a dingo’ to get inside.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so the Bogan orders 4 Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please."

They all stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. Bogan asked V8Ian to pay the 40 cents as he has no small change (tight ass). Once finish their martinis a very short time later, they order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." 4Bee and Incisor both try to shout this round. Their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet, although not uncommon for the Mexican amongst them.
Finally, Mr Decisive Incisor can contain the question they all at thinking and asks, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10cents apiece?"
“I'm a retired sailor from Perth who is scared of sharks," the bartender says, "I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I won the Lottery jackpot for $100 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a 10 cents. Wine, liquor, beer - it's All the same"
"Wow! That's some story" they all agree.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing two mean looking people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the two at the end of the bar, one of the 4Bee asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're Volvo drivers from Melbourne. They're waiting for 6pm Happy Hour when drinks are half-price once a week on Friday."

The 4 look at each other and say “The Bastards have done it again”.

I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill CoVID19 so if you see me naked and drunk in the back yard there is no need to call the police as I am conducting medical research.

Bleach and UV light failed and caused first significant whitening from the bleach then toasting from the UV light exposure.

Clearly there is a need to call pych services if either of above occurs. Be careful with searching for this as the mistress might be not the best to call

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

Four Landrover drivers on a lap across Oz. The “Bogan Black Disco”- Navy Diver, “Buzzing” 4Bee, “Dashing” Ian V8 and “Incisive” Incisor arrived in Onnandatta on Monday afternoon, after a very ‘dry’ dusty trip over the Simpson D, They were stretching there legs walking down the road. They came along a sign that said,"Onnandatta Road house - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other thinking, This is too good to be true. Their stiff legs moved faster than ‘an emu being chased by a dingo’ to get inside.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so the Bogan orders 4 Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please."

They all stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. Bogan asked V8Ian to pay the 40 cents as he has no small change (tight ass). Once finish their martinis a very short time later, they order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." 4Bee and Incisor both try to shout this round. Their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet, although not uncommon for the Mexican amongst them.
Finally, Mr Decisive Incisor can contain the question they all at thinking and asks, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10cents apiece?"
“I'm a retired sailor from Perth who is scared of sharks," the bartender says, "I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I won the Lottery jackpot for $100 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a 10 cents. Wine, liquor, beer - it's All the same"
"Wow! That's some story" they all agree.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing two mean looking people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the two at the end of the bar, one of the 4Bee asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're Volvo drivers from Melbourne. They're waiting for 6pm Happy Hour when drinks are half-price once a week on Friday."

The 4 look at each other and say “The Bastards have done it again”.

I'm guessing that would be the first time I have been in a nightmare & got ****ed. Nice story Divs, you should write more short stories & & give Poetry the shove.

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill CoVID19 so if you see me naked and drunk in the back yard there is no need to call the police as I am conducting medical research.

Bleach and UV light failed and caused first significant whitening from the bleach then toasting from the UV light exposure.

Clearly there is a need to call pych services if either of above occurs. Be careful with searching for this as the mistress might be not the best to call

I find that mixing alcohol and sunlight has, in my case, some side effects. When I have tried this alternative medicine theory I find that, after four hours of sunlight and alcohol and approaching noon, I have a tendency to feel a wee bit drowsy and by the end of light that day, I have an involuntary sleeping disorder. I think it may be some sort of metabolic reaction, whether to the sun or alcohol, I don't know. I shudder to think how I would cope if we had Daylight Wasting, like Southern folk, here in Queensland?

for this as the mistress might be not the best to call

Mistress you say? Reminds me of the good ole one. Definition of a Mistress?

Someone between & Master & a Mattress. Ah the olde ones are the best.