Thread: Jokes

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:“You fool, you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”“No,” replied the trainee.“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

NINE WORDS or PHRASES WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing..)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever')..

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SOD YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

😂😂
With regard to a woman I know quite well, actually that is wrong , with regard to the woman with whom I share a house, no that is also wrong, with regard to the woman in whose house i inhabit, to ask “what’s wrong”? , will get the “ you shouldn’t have to ask”
?

Originally Posted by V8Ian

NINE WORDS or PHRASES WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing..)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever')..

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SOD YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

Having being married to SWMBO for 38 years, i don't think there is anything in the above that I have not learnt.

All of the above could not be more accurate.

Originally Posted by d2dave

Having being married to SWMBO for 38 years, i don't think there is anything in the above that I have not learnt.

All of the above could not be more accurate.

Jan's been gone for five years and this still fills me with fear....

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.


As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,


'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF!