Thread: Jokes

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A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" Asks the landlord

"I'll have a beer please"

The landlord pours him a beer and puts it in front of him.

"That's £3.50 please"

"Oh I'm not paying for it. You offered me a drink so I said I'll have a beer"

"Don't be ridiculous, this is a pub, of course you have to pay for it!"

"Well I disagree. Legally you asked if I wanted a drink, not that you were selling me one"

Another man at the bar chimes in:

"If I may gents, I'm a solicitor and unfortunately landlord, he is right you did offer him a drink and legally he doesn't have to pay for it"

The landlord is already fed-up with the guy so he says:

"Fine, but you can sup up and get out. You're barred and never getting served here again"

The man drinks his beer and with a nod he leaves the bar.

About 20 minutes later the man walks back into the bar.

The landlord is stunned and shouts:

"I TOLD YOU YOU'RE BARRED. GET OUT!"

"What do you mean? I've never been in here before"

"You were here about 20 minutes ago and tricked me out of a pint of beer!"

"Sorry I've no idea what you're talking about, I've never been here before"

"Well... you must have a double!"

"Lovely I'll have a whisky, and one for my solicitor here as well"

I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass... which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third sink and poured the bottle down the glass... which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again... they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork... which l drank.

Two tourists from the Czech Republic are visiting New York.

At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help.

The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"

"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open, and pulls out ... a feeder pig.

"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist.

So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

He lived a good life.....

https://twitter.com/cctvidiots/statu...85962926690304

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

I had 12 bottles of whisky...

[I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

I'd have removed the plug from the S-bend and put a bucket underneath.

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