Thread: Jokes

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I was talking with a friend the other day about cars. He said, "I'm a vet & when I drive I drive like an animal". I replied, "there must be a lot of gynecologists on the road then".

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is no longer with us," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, the duck is no longer with us."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$830?" she cried,"$830 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $30, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $830."

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

I'm going to make like a cow pat and hit the road.