Thread: Jokes

My mate's wife just gave birth to triplets, but he is not celebrating, he is out looking for the other two fathers.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.

Magic.jpg

Steve from Texas is waiting for his big surgery, when his anesthesiologist walks into the room with his equipment. Steve swallows nervously and asks: "Excuse me, would you mind explaining to me how you'll put me under? This is my first time." "Oh sure," said the anesthesiologist kindly, "Don't worry, I only use the best drugs and I have lots of experience measuring just the right amount. You won't feel a thing and will wake up with no side effects at all." "Oh," breathed Steve, "that's awesome, thanks Doc!" "Sure," said the doctor, "by the way, are you insured with any of our..." "Ah, no." Said Steve, "I don't have insurance." "

Ah, I see." says the anesthesiologist and begins to sing: "Twinkle twinkle little star..."

An ex Sargent Major was having a quiet night at home when the doorbell rang. He answered it and was confronted by his ex wife and two teenage sons. She announced that she can no longer handle them and shoved them through the door, saying you look after them. Right, he said, you two up to bed. Next morning the two boys were coming down the stairs and the old man asked the older one what he wanted for breakfast. " Gimme some ****en cornflakes he said. The old man grabbed him, wack, wack, thump and hurled him down the stairs, he turned to the younger one and said what do you want. Well, said the younger one, " I don't want any of them ****en cornflakes.

I'm famous for not being famous.

Originally Posted by RANDLOVER

I'm famous for not being famous.

I'm notorious for that.

The best way to cook kale is with lots of oil and butter, so that it slides straight out of the pan into the bin.