Thread: Jokes

You know I have a friend, She's so stupid that when a person says that "Drinks are on the house" she askes "Where's the Ladder?"

What Does Every Little girl have to count on???????????

OK folks let's get the Jokes thread happening again



One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the
flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

A bloke was drifting across a the desert in a hot air balloon, lost and not having any sucess in geting the balloon under control. Luckily our happless balloonist spots a man in an Akubra walking along happily heading back towards his campsite after an invigorating nature walk...

The bloke in the balloon calls out to him and after getting his attention tells him hes lost and asks our Akubra wearing friend if he knows where he is...

The guy in the akubra looks up and says "Yep, your in a hot air ballon at about 100m altitude, drifting at about 2 knots ,on a heading of about 1700 mils, desending at about 1 meter a minute at an accelerating rate, currently over WGS 84 grid 44'45'10E and 32'24'12S with an ETDT of oh call it 1545.


The bloke in the balloon looks down and says "your one of those bloody Landrover drivers arent you...

The guy on the ground looks up and shielding his eyes admits to driving a defender and asks how he knew that...

The balloonist replies "simple everything you told me is technically correct but of no bloody use to me."

Our intrepid rover driver grins knowingly and pegs the balloonist as a toyota driver, which infuriates the balloonist into demanding that the Rover driver explain his conclusion.. to which he recieves the following response.

"Simple, as of about a minute ago you had risen to where you are via the virtues of a lot of hot air, you have no idea where you are, how you got there, what to do to correct your problem, when offered assitance you had no idea how to best utilise it. For some reason this is now my fault."

Steve Irwin died doing what he loved,

Peter Brock died doing what he loved,

Take care when ******* tonight.

And remember we'll all be thinking of ya!!

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;


it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.


He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down.


A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.


As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.


Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!


Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:


Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.


Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.


Live simply and appreciate what you have.


Give more.


Expect less


NOW ............


Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,


and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.


The gash from the bite got infected and


the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:


When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Australia's biggest joke: