Febuary Humour Thread

[FenianEel]

[BigJon]

I see plenty of those Wicked campers around here. Very cheap backpacker favourites. Some good and humourous art as well.

[Reads90]

One of things about going round Aus was the amout of thoses Wicked campers and we did not see two the same. Some of them were really funny

[hiline]

The 2006 Darwin Awards


Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away. ***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family.... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

***** Remember ... they walk among us! *****

[shorty943]

No. 3 seems perfectly logical to me.

No. 5, well what else would you expect from a ... teenage twit.

But, No. 10, that one is cherry and cream on top.

Shorty.

[moose]

Along the same lines as the darwin awards is the stella awards.

The latest edition : http://www.stellaawards.com/sample.html

These people are out there!

[shorty943]

I remember a short story I read years ago, during off watch time at sea. the premise was :- what if the Earth is really, an intergalactic looney bin, and all the UFO's are actually the doctors and the nurses and the ambulances, coming and going.? Still makes sense to me over 30 years later, and the longer I live the more it seems true.

So, as I'm all better now, will someone ring my mum, and ask her to pick me up?

Shorty.

[Reads90]

These are older ones

:

5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.
Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage He was not able to get the garage door
to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't
re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked
when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi
he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to
the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should
have been 2nd Place!

4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was
less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little
provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the
yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night
club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses

1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the
freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's
seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV
left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for
not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this.
The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus a new motor home. The company actually
changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any
other complete morons around.

[BigJon]

If some clown broke into my house and then sued me for damages, there is no way on Gods green Earth that I would actually pay any damages awarded. Judges and lawyers must think that the completely blameless defendants are morons, or similar, if they think that people would pay out in situations similar to that.

[Reads90]

Judges and lawyers must think that the completely blameless defendants are morons, or similar, if they think that people would pay out in situations similar to that.

Nah Just americans who are all stupid and live in their own world anyway
Any court in Aus or the Uk would laugh every one of these cases out of court. But there again they would have to as they would have never had got there in the first place