Thread: Things I've learnt.....

I walked into a restaurant with my young sons.
I gave the boys three 10 c coins each to play with to keep them occupied.

Suddenly, my oldest boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....
I realised the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.
Looking at my son, I was panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, calmly puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching my boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of my boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds he convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing his testicles, the woman hands the coin to me and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as I was sure that my son has suffered no ill effects, I rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Australian Tax Office..'

well I learned that you can always use your skills for good!

I have been away again, this time to the jungle,
It was hot and very humid apparently I came at the wrong time of year.
As we walked from the boat towards the jungle edge I saw two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."
We stopped and the guide said that we needed to have some survival skills to live through this.. so we all gathered around as he explained about the different creatures and how to deal with them.
He started with lessons on how to catch a unique rabbit. (Unique up on it!) But then he went even further and explained about how to catch a tame rabbit (Tame way, unique up on it.) There are different ways for catching plain rabbits, How do you catch a plain rabbit? (Hide behind a bush and growl like a carrot. )
He said to be careful about catching animals because then you have to stay with them… I recall asking “What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit then? Being a smart-aleck. Without batting an eyelid he answered “A bad hare day.”

He explained some veterinary skills we may need for animals, simple things like, What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea? (Space and lots of it! )

He warned us about running into people in the forest and jungle, he told us to watch for crazy people and avoid them. So I asked, “How do crazy people go through the forest?”
“They take the psycho path.” He said.

Meanwhile I heard one of the guides saying “Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the jungle?”

We went into the jungle and were hiking along a jungle road when we stepped on and squashed a rabbit. Being an animal lover, I stopped to check on the rabbit and was completely distraught when I found I had killed the rabbit. A villager came by on his own with a huge basket and told me he could bring the rabbit back to life for the meagre sum of 1,000 boogahs (the local currency).
I said OK and the villager took out an aerosol can and sprayed the rabbit. A minute later the rabbit jumped up and hopped down the road. Every 10 seconds it would turn back and wave at the villager and I.

I happily paid the villager, voicing my amazement at the rabbit's recovery "But", I asked "what's with it turning back and waving every 10 seconds?"

The villager replied "I used hair restorer with permanent wave."We set up camp and very tired I fell asleep immediately. I had a dream that night that I was both a wigwam and a teepee. (My guide said I was too tense.!)

I found when I got home that a circus had come to town and set up in the paddock alongside my house. Then I found that I’d been robbed! I asked the Police “how did the intruder get into the house?” They replied “Intruder window.”
I figured it had to be someone from the circus, all night I sat up and stewed over it, listening to camels and elephants farting, whips cracking and general circus noises.
I was livid. I resolved to kill the circus.

But I thought to myself, “Self, How do you kill a circus?” I tried the internet, nothing, I tried encyclopaedias, nothing…then it dawned on me….. The way to kill a circus is…Go for the juggler!

I looked outside and watched as a huge frog parked his big car outside my house, I saw he didn’t even put money into the parking meter…and sure enough it happened…
It got toad!

I was feeling better, so I went for a walk, as I looked into shops I saw two men were seated in an Indian restaurant when a car crashed through the window. It was terrible, I raced up expecting the worst but both survived, but one now has a dicky tikka and the other is in a korma.

A bit further on I saw Bob Dylan go into a bar and asks for a coffee!!. I had to go in and watch the man who helped change the face of music across the world. As I watched mesmerised, he shouts over to the waiter " Hey man this coffee tastes like mud"
Waiter replied "So it should, it was ground this morning.

I went home… on the way I realised what happens if bees don’t want to drive….. They go to a buzz stop.
It was a big day and obviously I learnt a lot…

Cheers
Digger

PS Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic; and then it’s Ventolin.




feel free to join in!

Ive learnt all about music

Here is my "Dictionary of Musical Terms "

JAZZ : Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES : Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC : A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA : People singing when they should be talking.

RAP : People talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL : Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

FOLK : Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

BIG BAND : 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.

HEAVY METAL : Codpiece and chaps

HOUSE MUSIC : OK as long as it's not the house next door

I learnt early not to mess with religion around my father..

As a teenage boy I had just passed my driving test and inquired of my father as to when we could discuss his use of the car.

My father said he'd make a deal with me: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

I thought about that for a moment, decided I'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks my father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'

I said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this my father replied.....


'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?

I also learnt that things have changed in heaven!! So, I popped up there for a look around...

A Blonde was obviousy sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. I listened in....
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'? The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'
Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...!


... you're singing it now, aren't you…??

So, I went inside....

There I saw Jesus as he made his usual rounds in heaven, I was following him when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, youve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- youre supposed to be blissfully happy! Whats wrong?

"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."

"Tears sprang from Jesus eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

Yep its been eye opening stuff!! - feel free to join in

I learnt to ignore my dreams but
last night I had a vivid dream, I call it The Stagecoach Dream

I had a dream last night. I was in the old West riding in a
stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left
side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the
right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse
into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and
jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?"

He replied,

"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."



maybe I should keep ignoring those dreams??

Hiding on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So
he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -
two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What
seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24
was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."

From the Daily Telegraph comes this story of a Sydney couple who drove their car to Westfield Blacktown, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The NRMA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant..
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.