Thread: Things I've learnt.....

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.... Then you are just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a very elderly lady each day sitting on her front step happily smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing and at your age! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied. "

Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....



2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates large parts of Asia causing the execution of thousands of birds by beheading!


2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing and overseas numerous horses are put down to prevent its spead


2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills lots of humans and causes hundreds of pigs around the globe to be executed.


Has any one else noticed this?


It gets worse........



next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?



IRONY AT ITS BEST

250 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom

Eye halve a spelling chequer;
It came with my pea sea;
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather I am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it;
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

--Sores unknown

Swine Flu update


Swine Flu Update

G'day guys I thought I should tell you where this swine flu is up to at the moment.... So I did some research...

Firstly I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

When I got through I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trots.


So, worried I have swine flu I went to the Doctor and the doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu.
I said "It must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu,so he says, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The Doctor said that the only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1


Ironically however, Swine flu, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.

News Flash ... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.;

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world".

Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, please don't believe all the spam you're getting.

Hopefully thats helped..
Digger
(in case you are wondering I am not a doctor)

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

Hi Digger,
Have just had my first run through this thread-have had a great laugh-lots of the best medicine.keep it up,
Cheers,
mary

I think I used to work with a guy like this.....

A sheriff stops at a Ranch in rural Missouri and talks with an old Farmer. He tells the Farmer, "I need to inspect your Ranch for illegally grown drugs.”



The old Farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."



The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me. Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his Badge, the Officer proudly displays it to the Farmer. "See this Badge?!! This Badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, ON ANY LAND, no questions asked, or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?? Do YOU understand?!!?"



The old Farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old Farmer hears loud screams, and looking into the field he had spoken about, sees the sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining on the sheriff. The sheriff is clearly terrified.



The old Farmer immediately throws down his tools, and runs to the fence, cupping his hands to his face yelling at the top of his lungs "YOUR BADGE!! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE SMART ASS !!!!