Thread: Things I've learnt.....

In a episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory
to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this




"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Okay, so you want to be a parent. I don't have any hangups on that. However, I must warn you that maybe you should take these 11 tests before thinking about having a "little bundle of joy" because I can tell you, it's pretty rough...well, thats what I've learnt anyway!!

Car Test: Forget the "Roller", it's the station wagon for you. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove box and leave it there. Then get a pencil and stick it into the CD and cassette players. Take a family size tub on deep fried chips and mash them into the back seat followed up by running a rake along both sets of doors. Now after driving the sabotaged vehicle 130 000 miles with a second engine, try and trade it in.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy live giant squid and attempt to stuff it into a small net bag at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Stink Test: Smear honey, peanut butter and soy sauce all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and hermit crab behind the couch and leave both there for the entire summer.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill it half way with water. Suspend it from the ceiling on a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the "mouth" of the jug whilst pretending it's a helicopter. Now dump part of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor.

Ingenuity Test: Take a tube of toilet paper and turn it into an Easter candle using only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take and egg carton and make it into a happy rhino using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint. Take a milk carton, and empty cereal box and a ping-pong ball to make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Land-Mine Test: Get your partner to spread a giant box of Lego all over the house then put on a blindfold then endeavor to walk to the kitchen. Don't scream as this will wake up a child at night.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 4 to 5 kilograms of sand then soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start waltzing and humming with the bag until 9pm. Lay down the bag and set the alarm for 10pm. Get up and pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more, sing these until 4am, then set the alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast doing this entire procedure for the next 5 years. Look happy during the time you are doing this.

Physical Test (for men): Go to your nearest chemist and set your wallet on the counter. Ask the shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store and purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly. It will be the last time ever.

Physical Test (for women): Take a large bean bag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans from it. Try not to notice the large closet full of clothes you have since you won't be wearing any of them for a while.

Shopping Test: Borrow a couple of small animals such as goats, ferrets or Tasmanian devils and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in your sight, paying for anything they eat or damage.

Warn-Off Test: Find a couple who already have a small child and lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing up the child including patience, discipline, table manners and toilet training. Enjoy the experience for the last time in order to have an opportunity to get all the answers.

If you complete the course, well done. Ready to have a baby now? Now you know what it really is like to have a baby!!.

cheers, this is a lesson Im still learning!
digger

So it’s been a while since I posted, I’ve been very busy at work.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind going to work but the eight hour wait to go home is a bitch,
I spend most of it saying the same thing to people....like “No I didn’t say it’s your fault, I said I was going to blame you”, & “Yeah mate I’d tell you to go to hell but since I work there I’d see you every day and I don’t want that!”

After days of this I start to wonder about life, things like what if the HOKEY POKEY is what it’s all about?

I was dealing with a lady the other day, for a long time she has had Kleptomania but I had to arrest her because she was always taking something for it!

It’s a hard job, I’ve learnt that sometimes too much drink isn’t enough!The other day I went to a job where a suicidal twin killed her sister by mistake!, It was at....err.... ummm .. sorry I’ve realised that my short term memory isn’t what it used to be.

Anyway enough of that... I’ve realised that my short term memory isn’t what it used to be. Sometimes I get by just by realising that two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday!

I went to the local pub, people don’t realise how helpful the bar staff there are, I learnt that a bar tender is like a pharmacist just with a limited inventory. I’ve learnt that reality is only an illusion caused by alcohol deficiency.

Sometimes I go home early just to cook, I love cooking with wine.... sometimes I even put it in the food! I’ve learnt that you “don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things”

I’ve recently realised that I may be bi-polar but at least I have each other. I have realised that I am nobody, and that nobody’s perfect, therefore (yes you see it coming don’t you?) I’m perfect!

I know that no one really cares but believe me, corduroy glasses are making headlines.

Anyway, I’m going now I’ve joined a club as a support member for people with Lysdexlics, I read all about it and I’d hate to have it!, I have though learnt that Lysdexlics have more nuf!

Cheers, keep smiling
(feel free to join in!)

I have just realised that its a fact of life,
but after Monday and Tuesday
even my calender
says W T F!!

have a good week!
digger

My 7-year-old lad came to me, as I was working in the yard and asked me...

"Daddy, what is sex?"

I was surprised that he would ask such a question, but decided that if he's old enough to know to ask the question, then he's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling myself to leave nothing out, I proceeded to tell him all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When I finished explaining, the little bloke was looking at me with his mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on his face, I asked...

"Why did you ask this question?"

He replied...

"Mum says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex"


I've learnt to ask more questions BEFORE I answer the kids.....

How much truth is there in it???

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a
measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a $100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.
While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work, give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on his old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

Ø£ المسجل تبيع Ø*موله شاØ*نة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاØ*ب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربØ* له؟



Yep, I learned that its hard to learn....

I walked into a bar in New Zealand and ordered a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

"No, (I lied) I'm from Canada."

"What do you do in Canada?"

"I'm a taxidermist."

"A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."


I learned to be careful with your accent!

cheers
digger

I learnt that after you read this,you'll pass it on....( like I have!)

A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole...


A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.



Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!


Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!























































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