Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Thanks Digger, I needed a good laugh this morning.

I bet you never took any photos either.

This is one of my favorite old newspaper articles relating to the US assistance to war torn countries...

Deploying Vowels to Bosnia

Washington - (AP) BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients.

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say `Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.

I also was very proud of the Blimp crew when I read this article at the time...


Headlines - Blimp Downs Chinese Fighter Jets
BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated that they are holding the United States, "fully responsible" for today's mid-air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American craft. This comes just days after a similar incident involving a U. S. spy plane.

Officials have stated that at approximately 8:25 a.m., GMT, a squadron of Chinese F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese planes downed and the blimp's electronic billboard damaged. Sources say the billboard's scrolling marquee had been advertising 7-UP soft drink, leaving the line "Up yours" in view.

A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision between his squadron, nicknamed, "Panda Rash" told China's Xinhua news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and into wingman Sum Yung Gui's F-8 jet.

"I told Yung Gui his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight'," said the pilot. "He just couldn't shake the American foreign-devil. The blimp then reportedly veered hard left and then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.

Pilot Chawp Suey told Xinhua the American blimp "fully responsible for the incident," repeating the language Beijing has used in the earlier incident.

China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.

Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller-driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters, unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.

"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way," Suey was quoted as saying.

"The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying activities at sporting events makes us indignant," he was quoted as saying.

Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

U. S. officials expressed regret, but would not allow an apology until the matter could be investigated further.



digger

I have learnt over time that racial tension solves nothing, so I am now putting forward a proposal to Promote Tolerance in the world

Lets start on the most controversial matter of recent times.

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero.

I think it should be the goal of every person of all races to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque also. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with 'spare ribs' as its daily special.

Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, please help by making any further helpful suggestions.

I've learnt, if we all try we can make this world a loving and tolerant place.

Digger

My mate in the job in Melbourne tells me that he had a bad night, I have learnt that even when you are doing your job you can't please some people!

Anyway it all happened like this: 3 football fans - a Carlton fan, an Essendon fan and a Collingwood fan were all walking home after watching a footy game replay night at the pub.

They come across a dead, naked sheila lying on the footpath, and decide
to phone the police.

The Carlton fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the
floor in such a manner, and took off his Carlton beanie and placed it over
the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone the Essendon fan, removed his beanie and placed it over the woman's right breast.
Similarly, the Collingwood fan felt he could be of assistance and removed his beanie and placed it over her groin area.

Now, when my mate the copper arrived, he told the 3 football fans they had to stick around for questioning by the police.

They watched my mate, (the officer) inspect the scene of the crime.

The officer picked up the beanie from the left breast, had a peek, put the
beanie down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the beanie from the right breast, had a peek, put the beanie down and wrote down some
notes.
Next, of course, was the beanie over the groin area. The officer picked up the beanie, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the beanie again, put it down and wrote some further notes. For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Collingwood fan to the point where he went up to the officer.

"What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?"
asked the obviously annoyed Collingwood fan.

My mate, the officer replied "It's just so weird - normally, you'd expect to see a prich under a Collingwood beanie !"


Anyway, thats how he told it to me, so I've learnt something more!

I have had a bad week, just yesterday I learnt to rethink anything before I say it....

I saw a ‘large chested’ woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me!!

It's all been too much, I've started analysing everything, and all I seem to come up with is questions.... questions like....

How come they choose from pretty much just two people to run for Prime Minister and over 7 for Miss Australia ?

I asked my wife but she doesn’t seem to know all the answers (who would’ve guessed she’d admit that now?)

But I realised that being Married changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Ive been told that as you get older food becomes more important.... I realised that now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I decided to do something about it and I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. I tried to explain that if I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

But after 20 minutes arguing with the guy my wife interrupted and said to me, “Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.”


Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Whilst I’m typing this I’ve just thought, wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

And then again whenever I start stressing about these things,
I remember my life motto:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.



(go saints!)
Feel free to join in!

I read where, after having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read: "New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".

One week later, I feel I, in Adelaide, South Australia, must report the following and so have released this press statement today: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in a pasture near Gawler, South Australia, Digger, (a self-taught archaeologist), reported that he found absolutely **** all. Digger has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, South Australia had already gone wireless."

I learnt that it just makes you bloody proud to be a South Aussie!


Feel free to join in people! (this is becoming the thread with the most posts by a single user vs all other posts! )

A man in his early nineties comes running, as fast as a ninety year old can run, into the kitchen to see his wife, after taking a few gasping breaths over what seemed like ages to his wife, he exclaimed "I just found out that I have exactly the same strength today as I had when I was twenty!".

His wife, incredulous at the concept, asks "How do you work that out? You can't walk more than ten steps without taking a rest to catch your breath, I need to help you out of bed in the morning, and you haven't lifted a hammer to fix anything in years!".

The old man replies " I tested myself, you know the large boulder at the front gate? Well when I was twenty, I tried to move it out of the way but it wouldn't budge. Today I again tried to move the boulder and again it wouldn't budge. Therefore I must have exactly the same strength today as I had seventy years ago!"

Do you think English is easy?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't ****, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

And wait … there is more !!!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?