Thread: Things I've learnt.....

A little boy asks his father: "Dad what’s between Mum’s legs?"

The father answers: "Paradise , my son."

The kid asks again: "What’s between your legs Dad?"

The father replies: "The key to paradise."

The son whispers conspiratorially: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock. The neighbour has a duplicate key!"

Well I'm back again, I've learnt more and I'm writing it all up..

in the meantime, I have just been watching a Sky news report.


Apparently the Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
I was shocked I didnt know they were getting involved.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..

Looks like it was a mortar attack.

Well, I shall try and fill you in on whats happened since my last update...

Its been busy and I’ve learnt a lot...

For instance I saw the doctor today and despite the embarrasment I had to drop my trousers and underdaks to show him a terrible rash on my old fella.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable, then as he grabbed his wife and shopping trolley and walked out of the supermarket he said, "Why don't you make an appointment at the surgery?"
That was a tad embarrasing but I had been seeing him previously..

Let me explain, I am a duck hunter and was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when I decided to take a leak.....

I walked over to a tree and propped up my gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged - shooting me...... in the genitals!

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, I was approached by my doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets.'

'Thank God” I said, “What's the bad news?'”.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' I replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Australian Symphony Orchestra.
She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.'


But forget that... I should tell you a story about my Great Great Grandfather...

He was a tough old ringer from far North of the state, he counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The son, my great grandfather did this religiously up to when he turned 103 years of age, and last week he died.

He left behind:

14 Children...

30 Grandchildren...

40 Great grandchildren...

25 Great - great - grandchildren...

& a 15 foot crater... Where the crematorium used to be!!

Let me tell you about his son, my grandfather and his Dying Wish (made also only recently!) which has already become legend in our family.

He lived in Canberra, and after his wife died became a priest, now he was an old priest and as he lay dying in the hospital made his wish.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Former Prime Minister and the Ex Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Ex Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Former Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit my grandfather, as the long serving priest was well known and liked.

As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected into the role of Prime Minister.
After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT- Stuff Julia!". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, my grandfather took Kevin’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Kevin.
"Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."



Let me explain the long delay between posts...

Upset at my grandfathers passing I left work early on the Friday before last Friday, but instead of going home, I spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When I finally returned home on Sunday night, my wife really got on my case and she really stayed on it!

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, my wife paused and pointed at me and in a strangely calm voice, she made me an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....

I couldn't believe my luck.
So I looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
Monday went by....

and I didn't see my wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by....
and I still didn't see her.
Come Thursday...

the swelling went down a bit....
and I could see her a little out of the corner of my left eye

I'll post more later of what I've learnt.... surely some of you have learnt stuff too!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road...

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,

hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read
the label.

It says..



(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter !!!

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."





Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."





Wife texts back:

"Computer completely ****ed now."

Well, I must tell you about my morning!

It started when I awoke....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.



So I learnt not everything is what you expect it will be.

It was late Easter Saturday and after a big night at the pub, Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence, grunting noises and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence, some grunting noises and a minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until .

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.

I dont know if its true, I dont care, I enjoyed it so here it is!


Australian Letter of the year.
This is absolutely hilarious and so true...




Australian Letter of the Year.... This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Commonwealth Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!





Dear Mr. Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.



How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f.....g astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!... ****! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?? I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I'm really ****ed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bull****! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f.....g address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there! And another thing, look at my damn picture...do I look like Bin Laden? I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).



And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another f.....g copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too f.....g easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f.....g heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society ******' to confirm You know the photo...the one where we're not allowed to smile?! .... You f.....g morons.



Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting some 'high-society ******' to confirm You know the photo. Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year. However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know.. someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F......G PAKISTAN!!!..... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government". You are all idiots!"