Thread: Things I've learnt.....

some more.....


Some thoughts to share.....

Maybe to understand the world we need to look at the word “MANKIND” , Basically as I see it , the word is made up of two words “MANK” and “IND”. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and so is mankind.


I can picture in my mind a world without hate, a world without war, and I can picture us attacking that world, coz they’d never expect it!


Consider carefully the daffodil, and while you do that, Ill be over here searching through your Land Rover stuff!!.

I sure hope that after I die, people will say of me, “Damn that guy owed me a lot of money”


Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane…


If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees


Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear smart before they talk


Is it OK to yell “MOVIE” in a crowded Firehouse?


Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking…


I have found the best way to save face is to keep the lower half shut!

Some Helpful tips….

Ladies, don’t forget to carry a stiff broom in the boot of the car whilst driving……it makes it so much easier to sweep the broken glass off the road after every minor accident…(just joking...)

Minor skin grafts can be conducted on pigs by covering any cuts with strips of bacon…

Save money instead of buying those very expensive personalised numberplates, for $50 you can change your name by deed poll to match our existing plate…eg:“Mr UDK103”.

Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars, simply stand closer to the object you want to look at.

Olympic Athletes, this year drug testing will be intense, avoid suspicion that you’ve been taking Anabolic Steroids by running slower. (thanks B Johnson of Canada for this tip)

Vegetarians coming for dinner?, Don’t panic, just serve them a nice piece of juicy steak, they are always belting on about how Tofu, Quorn or meat substitute tastes exactly like the real thing, so they won’t know any difference.
(P.S.- if we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat??”)

Questions that need answers?

Does the little Mermaid wear an Algebra?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns do they all drown?

If you eat Pasta and then antipasta, would you still be hungry

If you plan to fail and succeed, what have you done?

Why is it called Tourist season when we aren’t allowed to shoot them?

Is the Alphabet in that order because of the song?

If the “black box” flight recorder isn’t damaged in a plane crash, why aren’t all planes and cars made of that stuff?

Do burns victims get a discount at crematoriums?

If a mute swears does his mum wash his hands out with soap?



thanks!!

Ill throw some more in whilst Im at it....
(at least Im enjoying myself!!)

THINGS TO PONDER
1.. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
6.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
7.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
8.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
9.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
10.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
11.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
12.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
13. Procrastinate Now!
14.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
15.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
16.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
17.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
18.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
19.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
20.. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished..

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants


These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.

5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

13. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile."

15. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

18. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

19. "Yes,sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

21. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat fairy floss and hot dogs and step in monkey poop."

23. "Yeah, we have a quota Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

24. "In God we trust, all others we run through the computer."

25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

28. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."



ahhh, now I feel better...

just a few more......i may have done some of these, if so sorry!

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose sick idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there going to be specially reserved parking spaces for 'non handicapped' people at the Para Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder...... (and never start again…)

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's backside.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


just thought id ask...
digger

but ive never been one to take a hint.......


hope you enjoy these...

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of wanted criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $3.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Australia Port Power are known as the 'Power' and the Manly Sea Eagles are known as the eagles, and in America the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Gold Coast Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?


24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?



cheers

Digger

(ps feel free to join in!!!)

ME AGAIN,

WHY DOES SUPERMAN STAND PERFECTLY STILL AND LET BULLETS BOUNCE OFF HIS CHEST BUT DUCK WHEN THE BAD GUY THROWS THE EMPTY GUN AT HIM???


**MAYBE THIS THREAD SHOULD BE SLUNG INTO THE AULRO FORUM? JUST A THOUGHT!**

DIGGER

little things youve learnt either whilst working on a landy

Always get plently of pictures prior to starting a resortation project - as its a great asset when doing final assembly.

All the best

Wayne

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.

Bad minton.

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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...'

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Bugger off, you won't bring it back.'

LOL Keep 'em coming Digger.