Thread: The book, An introduction

Originally Posted by Blknight.aus

"If you need it, and you find it and you can start it, you can have it"

Obviously nobody thought to forewarn the seppo's about you.....

Originally Posted by fraser130

Not one of these kicking around the lot is there????

Originally Posted by Blknight.aus

Not sure he realizes what hes let himself in for because hes said we can also grab a vehicle for a section vehicle, I found this..... (and some other far more exotic trucks too..

Looks very much like the wrecker [heavy recovery] vehicle operated by WO 'Spike' Lear in Darwin in the 80's. He was called Spike, because he carried a steel spike, which he dropped into the ground, the depth it penetrated determined whether he would take his truck over it [ his theory] He was renown for pulling a D9 Dozer bogged on a beach near Darwin, when all else gave up Bob

So here I am, stuck in The United Secret- Squirrel of America and well murphy has followed me and is holding true to form and his agreement with me. Oh yeah,

This trip was sponsered by you the taxpayer of Australia, 5 week paid vacation, weekends off to the snow and Vegas, Yep sucks to be me but hey someone had to do it. Did I menton the extra incidentals they paid me for the inconvenince of having to be here doing this? Bout an extra full months pay so naturally Murphy's got to be out for me...

Fair deal he took out the Donk in SWMBO's disco on day one of the trip which caused quite a bit of angst but with her head screwed on fairly straightly, a swag of help from some of her friends, some quick acquisition of comms in guam and a call on some of the devout that situation was well in hand. Unfortunately Murphy had a spotter and soon enough the aim was corrected.......

IT would be fair to say that generally my opinion sterotypical opinion of americans varys somewere between “Not the brightest bunch on the blue/green marble” to “All they've really done well is exist in large numbers and I don't mean theres a lot of them”. I walked into some pub, not in the greatest of moods because I had to work in the morning because someone had been incompetent and murphy had landed the mess in my pocket so on the first night out after all the warnings I've got about 100 in my pocket to go and get a feed in as well as some drinks. No way can I get badly enough wasted on that much cash to suffer degraded performance.... I was wrong, about as wrong as I've ever been If I'd have known what was about to settle in I probably would have looked at a night of slammingpangalacticgarglebalsters with ford and zaphod as something to be done as a warm up..

In addition to my frustrations as I'd been required to hold back and co-ord some stuff for the job I had to do I missed the bus timing...

So this Australian walked into a bar,

“Gday mate, you guys serve steak in here?” In retrospect not the sutblest way of introducing my self as a hungry patron and instead of an answer to the question I'm staring down the barrel of a thickly american accented question “you an Aussie?” Fair enough my accent probably stands out like a long neck in a bunch of stubbies “yes mate, from queensland, whats the go on a steak” Rememeber my mention of my generic opinion on americans?

“really, do you know crocodile dundee or steve irwin” Oh for....

“Yep, in actual fact Im steves brother and Mick's my uncle” I'm now looking at what I would define as a vision of gapemouthdumbfoundedness but in retrospect it wasnt. What followed was.

“really?”

“No you idiot, Im having a lend of you, do you guys serve steaks here?” Now at this point several others had overhead this exchanges and are having a laugh, this isnt doing anything to impress the guy at the door.

“you Always smart mouth bouncers” “nahh mate only the ones that look like they got the name from the action that occurs when they fall over, in actual fact is that why you're avoiding the steak question, youve eatn them all?” Remember the comment about large numbers, this guy was single handedly prooving that point.

At this point since I've already got two beers under the belt I'm in a good mood for messing with people and feeling the brooding hand of murphy I lifted the presence of my voice a bit as he laid in the lamest threat I've ever disarmed

“you really should watch it, I compete in the strongman competitions”
“What, as a weight?”

didnt impress him much but the crowed behind him loved it and as mr 300lb if he's an ounce was told “hes funny, let him in” Presumably from the boss of the place. So the little miss skinny and not quite dressed waitress came over took me to the group gave me a menu and said shed be back for orders which was probably an error on judgement on her behalf because my ass had barely graced leather and she was half way turned as I was ordering “steak, still mooing and a local beer”

Silence........

The waitress turned sloowly, the table looked at me like I was zaphod, two heads and everything, the waitress spoke nervously “Sir,?, dont you want to read the menu?” “Nope, you guys serve steak right?? “welll yes but dont you want predinner drinks and to select a meal?”

The penny dropped, Id broken protocol “ok, bring me a drink, then bring me a rare steak and a beer” the bloke who invited me to the table injertected, “Give him a fireball shot.... blh blah blah rare with chips and a blahh” cutey smiled turned and waggled her but to the bar and came back with a shot, I gave her a smile presuming that the so far arduous task of ordering food had been delt with and she was bringing me alcohol. One of his girlfriends piped in “are you ohzzies that quick everywhere?” “Cept bed” blushes and silence, I slugged the Fireball.....

Fireball huh, I'd call it an ember, nice enough tho..... now the last I really remember of that night was showing them how to do tobasco-vodka shots and the vague memory that everytime I took a shot at a yank or got people in the bar to laugh more alcohol came my way and a worringly non existant amount of money was leaving my wallet. I did however hit it of with someone who I'm assuming was a mechanic because when someone asked about my preference of drink he got my, none, I'm like and MTU diesel and replied with “ Run on anything thats near enough right?” yep, more shots nil expenditure......

Someone asked at one point in the night if I was going to buy a drink to which quiet sarcastically I replied nope, I dont buy em at home either to which half the bar looked at me like I was going to get my death note signed then and there so I explained its ok, Im a mechanic so I dont have to buy beers” this got the other half of the bar interested and at this point the little voice of caution I so often ignore just before saying “check this out”, “heheheheh” or “ hey, watch this, it'll be fun” spoke up and I duly ignored it and proclaimed “cmon how many of you have had a mechanic rub his chin, suck through his teeth and say dunno mate, looks like a big job, cost you a carton and parts” laughter and a fresh drink in my hand. Apples, what a night, I think.....

the next day I get rolled onto the base the planes are at temporarily and a very seedy looking young man on gate duty takes one look at me barely concious, half drunk 5/4'ths hung over relaxing in the aircon blast rubs his chin thoughtfully and says “whats a big job cost” I suck air through my teeth and say “carton and parts” next thing I know the whole busload of us is through the gates no ID Check and the boss is looking at me with a quizical look on his face hes paying attention to the road again and I doze off, we get to where the problem Is I've got to solve I open the door stand up look around and immediately collapse back into the seat get my sunnies stand back up and some one yells out “Farey” I call back “On” Regretted that. Theres a hand full of yanks on the way over.

Did you get there?
“Get where?”

“Australian Mechanic Drunk?”
“is it tomorrow or the next day?”
“Its tomorrow”
“Nope,” laughter
“Hey Farey, Whats that line bout being well trained”
“you mean if you cant do you job drunk your not trained well enough?”
“yeah thats it..” more laughter and I'm getting the feeling in the back of my neck that makes me think that my boss is the guy with the clipboard from the schoolies open day from way back.

“Farey, what did you get up to last night?”
“Nooooo idea sir”
“he spent the night at the boozer on base”
“howd he get here?”
“dunno... but when he wasnt drinking and insulting us he was fixing random things, thats where we got the drunk training line from”
“Farey........”
“Dunno sir”

And that pretty much sums up the rest of the day, turns out mob we were tying in with had some work party thing going on for the base and I'd gotten an invite off of someone where Id started out and Id gotten on base in their boozer fixed the piiny, the juke box, some tables and the till. Wheels greased, ambassadorship achieved, favors owed, favors called and job done. Not sure If I want that thing PAR reportable or not.....

So eventually after throwing the MK Is around vegas in some other pub in a place called Mammoth sat an australian......

“Ember please”
“A what?”
“Oh yeah, you guys call it a fireball”
“righto”

oh fireball, its a shot of heavily cinnamon'ed whisky, quite nice really.

“What did you call it?”
“an ember”
“you're australian aren't you”
“And you're american”
“yes, howd you know?”
“cause you're stating the obvious”
“Why'd you call it an ember?”
“cause like most things american, its exaggerated, its not that hot?”
“Make me a hot one, my shout.”
“They wont let me behind the bar”

Annnd the next thing I know I'm perusing the stock from what I would normally consider to be the “not my side” side of the bar and I've found the chilli schnaps, the healapenos, and the chilli sauce.
“Here you go mate, thats CS gas with after burners, one for me one for you, your shout” and while he looked at his drink I slugged mine and advised him to drink it quick before the glass melted.

“Whys it called the CS gas afterburner”..........

“mnhruaaahhhhhhhhhhhhter”
“nahh mate you dont want water,”
“give me water”.....”nope”
“unintelligble words and expletives” and hes reached for the water pitcher
“Wouldnt do that.....”
during the antics of the next couple of seconds I was pouring him a baileys and milk....
“try that”

“So thats the afterburner bit then?
“nope that comes tomorrow when you throw it up or well you know, the first delay is normal for CS gas”
“Oh god,..... do all aussies drink like that?”

Not really, its just that american beer is just like making love in a canoe.

From some dark corner “****ing close to water right” with an odd accent, “You Aussie?”,”Nope monty python fan."

And thats the start of the night that began just after me saying to the boss with regards to if I was going to get ski-ing lessons “probably not, Im just gooing to wing it” which wound up with my first memorable conversation being with the boss and to the effect of “Australian Mechanic drunk right?, Still going to wing it?”Nope getting lessons” “too drunk to do it huh?”, “Nope, not trained in it yet” “Fair enough...”

Gotta be really honest, If it wasn't for the hangover I probably would have not gone the lessons and had a rotten time but as it was the group I was with was getting it on well, we were getting runs in, the instructor was hot, the snow was cold (which helped the hangover no end) and we had an absolute blast. The next day was even better. Mammoth is the kind of town I could happily settle in, good coffe, a better bakery and the best people, even got a few fixes in, IF you ever get a chance to go there, go there. Theres also a great dollar shop run by a top sort who's really great with kids.

Some other things,

They have bison, tastes like boar or wild pig,
they have pepperjack cheese which is sort of like coon with chilli in it, great on bison and chicken
They use more petrol cars than diesel and they make nice noises but dont make much go.
Tonopah (bishop actually) has a great country music radio station
they have soft porn on public TV after 2300
Vegas is nice, but crowded and overrated
There is almost always a free internet WIFI and its normally faster than our cable based stuff and its usually unrestricted.
Someone warned out the bosses about me and aparently “IF you want it and you can start it you can have it” doesnt apply to me. (spoil sport bosses)
Americans dont get sarcasm but seem to enjoy being outright insulted by an Aussie so long as its good natured and you dont cross certain lines (havent found them yet but then I'm not really trying”
An american thats being rude to another american in a conversation will be polite and friendly to an aussie (possibly any stranger) then go right back to being rude.
Compartmentalisation isnt just for the military, it applies to civvy trades too.
Their adds for drugs run for about 45 seconds 20-25 of which is disclaimers and warnings
they have more adds for solicitors and lawyers trolling for cases than they do disclaimers
Servrs and wait staff get paid squidly, Tippings important, turns out the drinking money I didnt drink I spent on tipping and being a heavy tipper, I got drunker than I should have with the money I was spending on drinks, turns out their shot measures aren't all that accurate and the more you tip, the more often it fails in your favor. Be carefull tho, some placces add a Service tax, service fee or gratuity onto the bill, its easy to double tip so read the bill.

They have sales tax BUT unlike australia they dont include it in the stickered price, its added at the till, tripped me up quite a few times. ****ed me off too, I had a great meal with great service in a pub and had ordered off the menu prices to leave a decent tip only to have it eaten up by tax and the waitress questioned why I'd left such small tip when I explained she gve it yeah right, Heart breakingly I decided the only thing to do was to go back and have another feed, had to wait till lunch time for her to come on shift... The service wasnt as good as the night before but I still tipped big because the food was great, this time the question was reversed with her asking about why I'd tipped big over such poor service one explination later and a request if I could come back that night for dinner, I ummed and ahhed a bit, refused to commit and in the end went there , Glad I did, I had my meal alacarte, the best service I've ever had free drinks and an escort around town for the evening.

From what I've seen, Most places are great for a visit but really I couldnt stay in them, Mammoth fits the bill tho and mybe after a tour through canada (Mammoth had quite a lot of them most of who agreed that mammoth was what they consider typically home) I might just head over for an extended stay.

Yes . . . Canadians . . . like Anglicised Americans, or Americanised Poms. You'll love it there - you'll probably make headlines dealing with such reserved people. Great read, by the way, though now I can't quite focus!

Now its been said of me in the past, and I dont want anyone going into shock over this so if youre faint of heart get relaxed and comfy, that just occasionaly Ive been known to run primarily to one extreme, get the job done and include copious amounts of overkill preferably with my hands on the tools.

I know, hard to believe but true.

its actully gotten to the point where in part of a performance review the comment was made that "while knowledgable and skilled as a trades man does not posses the ability to go hands off and allow this subordinates the freedom to work"

Other comments have been reflected as "too regimented in proccess" "operates at extremes and rarely compromises to the middle ground" "needs to relax" "could use a more laid back approach to trade supervision"

To the naysayers
IMAG0050.jpg
Mission acompished, never let it be said that I dont pay attention to whatever you waffle when Im busy making sure things are getting done.

Are you sure thats not just taking a hands on approach to a direct order to relax?

at a later point, in a similar not too distant location a certain two hooker was found in a not too dissimilar position... the conversation with someone with pips may have gone

"what are you doing here?"

"Trade supervising"

"you were asleep, theres no-one here."

"so why did you wake me up if there's no work being done for me to supervise?"


oh on that note.

when quized on why you've made no effort to chase promotion but have accepted it easily dont paraphrase groucho by saying.

"well to paraphrase groucho, I dont have the moral right to refuse to take a leading position in any organisation that is desperate enough to want me as a leader"