Thread: Embarrassment

Hi jase, you may think things are all screwed up but you MUST concentrate on being patient. Pick just one thing each day and try to achieve it. It doesn't have to be a big thing - plant some veggies , clean the shower, fix the tv antenna .... Whatever ! Life goes on! Grab it by the balls mate ... Sleepy

The only reason i'm still here Karen tells me repeatedly is that i will never let her go & that she will feel traped....

I tell Karen every day that i'm sorry for what i have done to her in the past & now....

& she tells me that all its going to be you can stay & sleep here on the floor so that you can be with your kids .I will be your carer & maybe a friend..

Karen said something a few days ago about me doing everything & how it has to be from now ,& said what you like feeling like a slave ????..
I'm not a slave i am doing this because i love & care for Karen & the kids & i want Karen to get better...She is still in bed & its so strange that Karen isn't up in all the movement & busel of morning stuff..Although when she was i just sat here had a cuppa went for a smoke then shower...

Yes i'm realy scared of loosing Karen & the kids But Karen tells me i have already lost her & thats that.....

I am so lost at the moment..And i am etreemly worried about Karens health & welbeing also her mental health..Karen is such a strong person it realy does hurt to see her this way....


I am still being posotive even though Karen tells me not to be I am still doing everything that i can.....

I am finding it hard to give Karen her space & to leave her alone its hard as i just want to talk to her about anything not whats happening......

If i knew if i went to mums for a few days & left Karen so she could have space from me all to gether i would & i would take the kids although there isn't much for then to do there at all...I would but i am so scared Karen wont let me back at all....

I want to give Karen everything that she wants to do & still keep on trying my guts out to improove myself & do things with them all so i can be involved in all there lives & what they do , schooling ,sports everything..

Its like i said Karen is the first person to show me love & care & respect ..
I'm so scared of loosing that & her & the kids & my life as such..

Yes i want it all back to normal but with the differance of ME being stronger & able to help Karen & also so that Karen doesn't feel like she has to be at home with me all the time , Occationaly would be good but never all the time ..I have enjoyed listening to Karen when she comes home from the gym telling what she has done & about the machines that they have (not that i have any idea as to what they do).I asked Karen if she could take some pics of the differant machines to show me as she tells me what she does but i have no idea what they do or what they actualy are..she said she did but hasn't shown me yet looking forward to that as i feel useless when she tells me about them not knowing what they are or what they do...

ok i think that the only thing you can do to get her back well this is what i think by going off what you have been saying lately is to get out and do things yourelf thik to yourself staying inside or going out and being indpendant aka no karren or karren

Well I went & got the papers & Karen helped fold & bag them so it was much quicker & they are all delivered...

Well been talking today & i honestly did not do any of this to Karen on perpos or deliberatly...& i am very very sorry for it & ashamed of myself because it took getting told from some men that what i was doing was wrong before i took notice & not listening to Karen...

Karen is pretty sure she doesn't want me or for us to work it out & has told me that she doesn't know what she wants & she cant even think of us anymore or even remember anything good from the past..

I told (asked) Karen to organise for all our stuff & i will go to mums as i cant keep doing this to Karen or the kids.
Things like the mobiles i will have to declare bankruptcy cause we cant aford them without each others payment. & there in my name only so it wont afect Karen in anyway which is good as we have been there before.Asked her to sort out a bank account for me or maybe get one for herself & change all the payments...

I know what i loose & i have brought this on myself by not listening to Karen when she has asked or offered to help me & get me out..
I will never see any of them again as if i came here to visit i wouldn't want to leave & if Karen brought them to see me i wouldn't want Karen to go & she said i would just give her trouble over it..& both of us don't want the family to help now after not helping for so long...& i will not have the kids seeing me while panicing big time nor do i want any of my family trying manipulate them which we both know WILL happen thats my family for you....SO i would rather give up everything to make Karen Happy & the kids a good life..I wont even be coming back to get my tools as i don't have anyway of picking them up & i would probably just cause Karen trouble...I am not saying this to feel bad about myself or for sympathy or for anyone to feel bad about or for me ..I am just being honest & think it could be the right think to do for Karen..I also want to do all this for Karen & keep up doing it i even said i would look at some help for myself for her see a shink ..But i am only doing that for Karen no one else .Cause if i'm back at the oldies they will soon have me believing i don't need it & that they can fix it for me..& YES THAT IS RIGHT & TRUE..EVEN KAREN WILL TELL YOU THE SAME THING...

I did not tell this to KAren to make her feel gillty or emotionaly blackmail her i am trying to do the right thing by her & if thats what she wants then i will do that for her , I will go & i will probably give her some greif over it at the time of leaving...
Karen is a very speical person she is amazing , strong , goodwilled & just a very happy person to everyone she is always nice to people even if there not. AND i am very sorry for ever doing this to her ...& causing her to break down so bad Karen is very special to me & alway will be..
I would rather die old & lonely then to see Karen go through this or to ever see her have to go though it again..

THANKS Jason...

Karen has gone out for awhile & i think she thinks i was in her face over it wanting to know what she was upto ..But i'm not i have watched Karen fall asleep after doing so little for the last 4 weeks i am worried about her driving she goes to the gyn & isn't eating very well & she is so skinny ..I don't want to get a phone call asking me to pick her up because she has had an accident or worse if she falls asleep driving....
SO no i wasn't giving her greif i am just worried about her.....

Hey Aus i forgot to give you a blank DVD the other day for FJ Holden movie..