Thread: Embarrassment

ok i going back to evil twin now

Well guys i had something realy brought home to me today about baby steps .
Some 25 years ago when all my trouble started to show through i was realy realy bad i used to drink alot,then i met fatty & slowed a little till i gave up,we still drink but only say 5 to 10 max a YEAR, at this stage i was parenoid that the world was out to get me so i to brought a hand gun (now gone) & carried a knife & was always in fights & looking for fights,i have lots of battle scares. i was only a very small step from prison..Again Fatty to the rescue, that was probably a 5 year pireod.At this stage i was extremely **** scared to be alone & left at home on my own as the suicidle depression would set in & i would start fights with fatty,where you been who you been with,why you been with. Also couldnt go anywhere or have anyone over if some one was going to call in i would lock myself in the bathroom in a cold sweat thinking i was going to throwup or lose control over my body & **** or **** myself the whole time this is going on you have your heart in your throat to the point where people can see the pulsating in your neck big time. This is such a debilitating feeling i wouldn't wish it on anyone as you have no control over it at all & you never know what is going to happen,Thats what i call a doosy,now a minor attack is cold sweats & my heart in my throat & getting very dry to the point i have trouble breathing & if i'm talking to someone when this happens i don't say a word as i still get embarest & realy what are they going to do for me,This happens sometimes when i have had a visit from my younger sister & if she picks up on it she just loads the kids up & leaves politely she says she has to go & i don't say anything because how the hell do you say to someone you have to leave & you have to leave because i'm having a panic attack thats just way to embaressing for me to cope with usualy fatty will say something politely..
Now this has been going on for many years like a yoyo up & down ,forwards & backwards..So in saying all this is to explain what a baby step is .ONE step could take a week it could take a year.I think the ones that have taken a week are realy insernificant realy its just something i mite do at home.But to go out could take months to years..
I just thought it mite be best to tell use as i realy dont want to disapoint any of use cause it could be years before i could do anything with some of use ,It Mite not be you never know but i feel a little better if use know that..


PS to that PM fatty said to ring her any time you need a chat....