Thread: Embarrassment

Hey thanks for the pm, S . No i wont leave here unless Karen tells me thats what she wants & i know she will be ok...

Karen has been through so much **** crap & hell for me for so long so i will be here till she says otherwise...

She is an amazingly strong beautifull woman...

Well now i am so so so pistoff its not funny Karen was on & was posting here & it was a long post & i realy wanted to read it as i think it was all about whats going on in Karens head...

But as ****ing usual the net droped out as soon as she hit the submit button & lost the whole ****ing thing.. She said she would re do it later so i am praying she can as i think it mite help her or atleast i will know whats going on in her head..

I am read to rip the ****ing net thing out the wall or smash both the puters cause i am sick to ****ing death of this Happening i have lost so many post because of it.. & telstra a so ****ed at fixing it we just gave up ringing them.....

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

Originally Posted by Mrs banjo (fatty)

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

OH **** i'm realy ****ed..
I do deserve all this i have been a bastard over the years to Karen .....
as soon as Karen is better i will leave if thats what its going to take to make her happy...

AGAIN FATTY I AM EXTREMLY SORRY FOR ALL OF THIS & THE PAST..
I can't change the past but i do know i want to change & do the things you want , & realy its not a lot that you have asked me to do ..
I will keep up helping & i even plan to goto footy training sometimes & some home games & helping with some of the running aroung & shopping sometimes as you said you don't want me to do it every week.. ....


OH & i have to be in the same house as you as i'm looking after you...

Originally Posted by Mrs banjo (fatty)

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

I think i could be the reason Karen can't pull herself back up as when its happend before never this bad but it has happend & Karen has still had to do everything & this time i'm doing everything so i mite be the problem again...

So i think i mite ****off tomorrow morning & head upto mums & get out of there lives so they can get on with theres.. I only want Karen & the kids to be happy.. I miss Karens smile & laugh & her type of talking so much it kills me to see her like this...

I think this mite be the right thing to do for Karen & the kids....

I realy have no idea so if use wanna tell me go for it......

since Karen is still up & awake i asked her to cut my hair getting to woolly now had to let me hat out yesterday...Just glad we have new clipers the last ones used to bite a lot & got bloody , mite be the same this time seeing as how Karen feels. . . .

Originally Posted by Mrs banjo (fatty)

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

Thanks for your honesty Karen.

I'm not you, I haven't had to live your life or lived with Jason but what I hear in what you have said is that you are tired and need a break and that at the moment you are not getting a break. Because of that I think it makes sense that you are not sure of how much you love Jason. Stress, over worked or depression and the such like do that to you.

How you get a break I am not sure as for you to go away for a couple of day would make it hard on the kids and Jason. However I do believe you need to try and do that even if it is just for 48 hours so that you have a complete break from everything - including a mobile phone!

Give it some thought - and when you are ready discuss it with Jason as he may have been part of the problem but he is also willing to be a part of the solution which includes helping you back to being yourself again.

Not sure if this helps much.