Embarrassment

**Landy Smurf** · 27th September 2010, 11:05 PM

i dont mean to hijak this thread but i thought i would share my story with you all.

from around 2008 i have had depression did not realise it for quite a while probably not until i started getting suicidal which was from about september last year until about april this year i was thinking about it everynight at least thinking of all the different ways to kill myself and what would be the best way
i did not talk about it until i got close to a christian friend(i am not christian really though) and we talked about alot and so i told her about what was going on and it did help to know that some one else knew and that i told her my story i dont think i ever told anyone everything though.
i then slowly started telling other people including my old maths teacher every person i told were completely shocked as it does not show in my personality at all,i was really nervous about people knowing i did not want to be talked about or referenced to being an emo because i am not.
my greatest fear was my family finding out and it still is i dont want them to know so for those who know my family i would appreciate it if you did not tell them about it at all most people i talked to told me to talk to my family about it but honestly that would make it worse i dont feel comfortable talking to them about it or other things.
i am fairly certain that all people i told said i should get professional help,but i did not want that i suppose because i did not want to think of myself as needing that but i did find talking to people about it did help.
i have 2 friends that have depression but there case is fully medical based so as long as they take tablets they are find but i could still relate to them and them to i.
i think everyone gets depressed from time to time but having depression is completely different and with out sounding rude you have no idea what it is like unless you have had it.
for me having depression before i was suicidal did not seem that bad i did not reallly realise it, but i cant reallly remember what happened, but all of a sudden things went down hill fast hence the reason i became suicidal.
i dont think i will ever do it but when you are in one of those moods positive is no where to be found.you only see the worst.
even though i know my situation is not anywhere near as bad as others i still cant help it well that is what i use to think.when i started hanging around with my soon to be girlfriend but was not aware of it at the time things turned from **** to great actually the best they have ever been but we were only going out for 5 weeks until she had to leave fingers crossed we will be together in 4 and a half weeks though.
i thought after being with her that i had beaten depression but i was to find out later that i had not,yes it is not as bad but it is still there but i am trying to change but change does not happen over night.
i have changed alot in the last year alot thanks to aulro i am beginning to really think what i want out of life and how to go about it so i can get that.i guess i am lucky i have such an out going personality and i am not afraid to talk about anything well maybe to certain people.family does seem to be where alot of the problems start i dont get treated all that well in my family,my parents are split my stepdad drinks way to much and it makes him angry towards my mum so i have stood up to him before in the past and my brothers got up me everytime by the way they are 3 and 5 years older then me.
to be honest as much trouble as land rovers have got me in,in the past i think they have helped me alot they give me something to do and being on here helping people and sharing threads has been great,it certainly has been my getaway in the past.i have changed though now if i have a problem i normally go on a long walk normally for 2-3 hrs through creeks paddocks hills and take photos.
well that is all for now

**Narangga** · 28th September 2010, 06:16 AM

Thanks for that Tony - it does help to share.

**Narangga** · 28th September 2010, 06:20 AM

Sorry I didn't drop you a line yesterday Jason. Had to go up to the mid-north to clean out the old house on Mum & Dad's farm.

Back there today to take the last of the furniture out of the new place to the Salvo's or somewhere.

Then I might get a chance to have some holiday.

Is the top soil for some vegies mate? What you had going in the old place before you moved were a real credit to you. Keep up the good work.

**banjo** · 28th September 2010, 02:50 PM

Na the top soil was here my step father got his digger & got rid of all the bindies in one area of yard but he never spread the soil so i did as i was bored.The new grass is being delivered on thursday bout lunch time so i will get in & through it out when it get here...

I wippersniped the edges & mowed the lawn today well all out the back anyway the front gets done with the ride on.....

Went & got my smokes this morning then went for a drive around the area found Maccas for the kids..Then went to east Maitland the back way then to green hills ,, well they can keep greenhills its to big a shopping center for me i will stick the the little village not to for away....

Yeah when i'm depressed its hard to get out of it Karen usualy helps me..
I will get help for my agerophobia when i get back home also for my anger . Cant get into any docs here they have closed there books i have a sister up this way been here for some years & still trying to get into a local doctor she still goes down to newcastle for a docs...

I cant just jump in the car & drive back to cardiff to see my doc if i could do this i wouldn't need him in the first place & i would be visiting people & going for BBQs & on holidays & be normal...

BUT YES I WILL BE GETTING THE HELP JUST NOT HERE BUT AS SOON AS I AM BACK HOME YES. IF I DONT GET BACK HOME GOD KNOWS WHAT I WILL DO..eVEN KAREN KNOW I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER ..SHE IS MY SOULMATE SO HOPEFULY THE TIME APART SO SHE CAN HAVE HER TIME WE MITE BE OK...

I have had the suicide depression for a bit over 15 years now & have managed it well HEY IM STILL HERE . . BUT as Tony says its hard to not think of it & even harder to pull out of it but i have been able to sofar...

I think Karen is bringing the kids up tomorrow for a little while should be ok but crap its going to be real hard when its time for them to leave...

**banjo** · 28th September 2010, 02:59 PM

Well i asked mother if she could lend me a bit of $$$ to get another project for while i'm here , this was before i got here & she said yes .. but now i'm here well i'm not alowed to do that here if i want to do that i can do that back at home..But my stepfather was going to pickup my trailer for me with alot of my tools but that hasn't happend yet.. doubt they will but you never know.Mum did say i could work on my trailer here but i recon once its here it will change...

But i seriously need something to do here i'm sick of doing all there yard work when i'm not alowed to do something for myself..

I'm getting sick of pacing up & down the driveway..
I have my dog with me this time but even he is finding it hard as he doesn't have the kids around to play with him all day....

I have my banjo & mandolin & harmonicas here but i recon if i start on them i'm going to be asked to stop its to noisy...

**banjo** · 28th September 2010, 03:06 PM

Well i recon this thread is going to die out soon now its been moved to the soapbox as i always goto the general area..

Plus my net isn't the best up here its extreemly slow & doesn't always work & sometimes i only get 1 bar....

When they said it should be in here i should of asked if i could have had it put in the sticky in general.......Apparently theres quiet a few who do read it so i spose it would of been ok there...

I'll have to ask the boss what he recons...

Well i'll be off for a little while as i have to take out the net to charge my phone....

Seeyas after tea...

**bblaze** · 28th September 2010, 04:04 PM

I feel like **** myself today mate, just had all my top teeth pulled out, broke a couple in the front a couple of weeks ago and the cost of repair and the rest wernt 100%, so now they are all bloody gone and will be without top teeth for 2 months while waiting for a plate and the swelling to go down.
Hope your day is better
cheers
blaze

**banjo** · 28th September 2010, 05:22 PM

Originally Posted by bblaze

I feel like **** myself today mate, just had all my top teeth pulled out, broke a couple in the front a couple of weeks ago and the cost of repair and the rest wernt 100%, so now they are all bloody gone and will be without top teeth for 2 months while waiting for a plate and the swelling to go down.
Hope your day is better
cheers
blaze

WTF

2 months with no teeth ah well more Tbone for us....

Actualy all my teeth are stuffed & broken rottern & badly stained i would love to be knocked out & have them all pulled ..

Plus once i get some falsies if they get broken i can fix with areldite or if they get stained i can get the dremal out & some polish

..
I used to tell old Tom that & he thourght i was mad but i recon that would solve all my teeth problems...

**Landy Smurf** · 28th September 2010, 05:50 PM

hey jason just wondering why does it bother you that this thread is here and not in general section anymore?

**banjo** · 28th September 2010, 06:03 PM

I usualy hang around in the general section thats all..

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