Thread: Words of Wisdom?

Originally Posted by Jedimastermat

Herbert and I think its quite funny

I hope you enjoy the rest.....

URINE

Let urine be the mirror of your soul.
Every monday morning, use a chopstick* to whisk a little of your urine in a white porcelain bowl.
If your urine turns frothy, you have a terminal illness and will be dead by the weekend.
*if you have issues around chopsticks it might be better to use a fork

SPRING CLEANING

Spring clean your mind.
Brush away the cobwebs of guilt.
Scrub out the stains of anxiety.
Hoover up the dust of depression.(be careful of Herbert)
Take your brain to the dry cleaners.
(dont lose the ticket)

next...highs&lows & victim

HIGHS AND LOWS

We talk of "the height of folly" and "the depths of despair".
Yet why is folly high?
And why is despair deep?
Challenge conventional wisdom:
Experience the depths of folly and the heights of despair.

VICTIM

You are a victim because you believe you dont deserve anything better.
It doesnt always have to be this way.
Let somebody else be a victim for a change.
Next time youre walking down a busy street, push somebody else under a bus and shout, "Look a victim, and its somebody else!"
Deal with any residual guilt feelings by using Reiki healing techniques.

next ....Beating the Blues & Never too Late

BEATING THE BLUES

Depression is only a problem if you decide that it's a problem.
If you decide it's a comfortable old jacket, you'll find you can put it on or take it off whenever you feel like it.
Then when you feel ready, you can take your depression to the Oxfam shop and pass it on to someone in the third world. .....dont forget to say "Goodbye Herbert"

NEVER TOO LATE

Does it feel too late to change your life?
If so, put all the clocks in the house back by at least three hours.
Now, use those extra hours to change your life.

next....Repetitive Stress Syndrome & Pamper Your Nose

REPETITIVE STRESS SYNDROME

Thinking of others can be very stressful.
If you think of others all the time you may become a victim of repetitive stress syndrome.
Avoid this danger by thinking about yourself as much as possible.

PAMPER YOUR NOSE

Just think what your nose goes through in the course of a day - dirt, dust, pollution, fumes.
When you get from a day in town, pamper your nose in all kinds of ways.
Burn a joss stick.
Expose your nose to the fragrance of essential oils.
Let your system absorb vital bio-flavinoids by inserting an organic cherry tomatoe into each nostril.

next....stressed out & surfing

STRESSED OUT

Stressed out?
Go outside and lie down on your back, spread your arms and legs in an X shape and stare up at the sky.
Stay in that position until you can feel your connection to the infinite.
If you hear the rumble of approaching traffic, you may be lying in the middle of a road.
Ask the infinite if you could call back later.

SURFING

You could surf the net for a thousand years and still not find the website that speaks to you.
Surf your inner net for five minutes every night and you will always find a website that will give you the attention you deserve.
It'll probably look something like this

www.me.com

next.....EASY AS PIE & JOURNEYS

EASY AS PIE

Make a big pie chart of your love.
How big a slice is devoted to YOU?
Is the slice big enough?
Why not give yourself an extra slice?
Better still, why not give yourself the entire pie?

JOURNIES

Going on a long flight?
Make it a unique transformational journey by changing into fresh underwear while still sitting in your seat on the aeroplane.


next...WIND & THE INNER CORE

WIND

If the noise from your neighbour's wind chimes becomes oppressive, ring your local council and ask them to send round the Feng Shui Control Officer.
( I bet some you warpos here were expecting something different)

THE INNER CORE

Lie down in a grassy park and relax completely.
Close your eyes
Access your deep inner core by listening to your breathing.
After a few minutes, you will find yourself suffused by a feeling of warmth.
Check to see whether you've been ****ed on by a dog.

next....road rage & indulge yourself

ROAD RAGE

To avoid succumbing to road rage, close your eyes and imagine you are lying in a beautiful meadow on a summers day.
Touch the blades of grass.
Smell the wild flowers.
See the butterflies fluttering by.
Hear the sound of tearing metal as you smash into the car in front of you.

INDULGE YOURSELF

We cant be sensible all the time.
Every now and then, throw caution to the wind and buy yourself twice as much tofu as you really need!


next....MIDLIFE CRISIS & BEING ALONE