Joke thread 2

[VladTepes]

Homer Simpson's greatest quotes

1 - You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an
electrified fooling machine.


2 - With $10,000, we can be millionaires!


3 - Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or
the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot
bees at you?


4 - I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please
Superman, help me!


5 - Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.


6 - Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's
even remotely true.


7 - Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos.


8 - Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins.


9 - I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun!


10 - Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep, in a
blender.


11- Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates
us from the animals. Except the weasel.


12 - There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!


13 - Note to self. Stop doing anything.


14 - Speed limits are just a suggestion, like pants.

[VladTepes]

You wouldn't call it a joke, per se, but it's funny and a hell of a lot of fun....


Move your mouse from left to right to keep the drunk guy upright.


http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

[Knight]

(sorry if i've posted this one already :roll: )

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Yep.

On the previous page. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[Knight]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were
pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation."


Knight

[incisor]

sigh...

poor poor patrick...

[incisor]

who said men cant multitask!

[VladTepes]

Billy Connolly's "14 things I hate about everybody"


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.



3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?



4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?



5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.



6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.



8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?



9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?



10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?



11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.



12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.



13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.



14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[VladTepes]

A cowboy rose into town one fine day, tied his horse up out the front of the saloon and went inside for a whiskey.

Several hours later he left the bar and returned to his horse, only to find its balls painted orange.

Filled with rage he ran back inside and yelled; “Who’s the f***in’ dirty, low-life **** who painted my horse’s balls?”

The bar was completely silent then suddenly a cowboy built like a brick **** house stood up and said: “I did, why?”

“Oh, I just came to tell ya that the first coats dry”, the first cowboy said.

[VladTepes]

Dave walked into his parent’s bedroom and found his mother and father on the bed naked and rooting.
“What are you doing?” Dave asked.
“I’m trumping Mum’s Ace!” Dad replied.
“Oh”, said Dave and walked out scratching his head.
He went down the hallway and into his sister’s room, where she and her boyfriend were rooting naked on the bed.
“What are you doing, sis?” Dave said.
“We’re following suit!” she answered.
“Oh”, Dave said and once again left scratching his head again.
Half an hour later, Dad finds Dave in the barn, laying back on the hay and having a go at his old fella.
“What the falmin’ hell do you think you’re doing!?”
“Well”, said Dave. “You were trumping Mum’s Ace, sis was following suit, so I got a full hand and I’m going alone!”