Joke thread 2

[Knight]

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to
the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the
other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked,
"You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However,
one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads No. After the boss had left, the
leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
Directors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and
eat someone important"


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Tyrepower]

Some of you Queenslanders may have trouble understanding some of these....... An Elevator is sort of like a cupboard that moves up and down in big buildings, so you don't have to use the stairs... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1 When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on
the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2 Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.

3 Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4 Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know
what floor you're on.

5 Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After
a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6 Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream, "that's mine!"

7 Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator

8 Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.

9 Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10 Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if
they hear something ticking.

11 Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures
and exits with the passengers.

12 Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13 Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14 When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't
panic, they open up again."

15 Swat at flies that don't exist.

16 Tell people that you can see their aura

17 Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18 Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19 Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
"Got enough air in there?"

20 Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.

21 Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22 Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23 Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24 Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25 Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I have clean underpants on."

26 Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27 Fart loudly then exclaim "Not I said the wolf. There's no way I
could do that one because unfortately mine don't come out loud."

28 Jump up and down then look at the floor and shout " let go you
bastard "

29 Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say
"beat you again Mr Elevator."

30 Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the
walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's
direction

[VladTepes]

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[Tyrepower]

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM MEN



1. If you think your fat you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.



2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. What’s the big issue?



3. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.



4. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair all short, and by then you’re stuck with her.



5. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!



6. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.



7. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, motor bikes, or football.



8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or changing of the tides. Let it be.



9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way. No, we don’t want to go to the shop with you.



10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Throwing things is worse



15. Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say it!



16. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.



17. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.



18. Most guys own three pair of shoes!! What makes you think we would be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?



19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



21. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.



22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.



23. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.



24. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.



25. If something we said can be taken two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



26. Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic. And we’re just checking her out, not comparing you to her or trying to get her phone number.



27. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.



28. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.



29. All men see in 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.



30.If it itches, it will be scratched.



31. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.



32. If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing, “we will act like nothing’s wrong. WE know you’re lying, but it’s not worth the hassle.



This should be laminated and stuck on every fridge in every home were men try to live with women. We could then refer them to the relevant numbr at times of duress. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[one_iota]

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Tyrepower wrote:

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'>This should be laminated and stuck on every fridge in every home were men try to live with women. We could then refer them to the relevant numbr at times of duress. [/b][/quote]

And for those men who live without them as a reminder of why they've chosen a peaceful existence. :wink:

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[Knight]

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"
Charlie replied" Can't talk right now I 'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Frank sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Very surprised, she shouts "Frank what are you doing!? "
To which Frank replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago". 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

During a trial in a Southern small town ,prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was -a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

LOL [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Bumper Stickers

Mafia staff car.

My other TARDIS is a police box.

This car is insured by the maffia. You hit me, they hit you.

My wife's other car is a broom.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.

Yeah - it stinks and is giving you a headache: it's a diesel

This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!

My karma ran over your dogma.

I don't brake for pedestrians.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Don't Drink and Drive, You might spill some.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Caution! Driver's applying make-up.

CAUTION : Driver Singing.

The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere.

Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?

FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL

If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

Hang up and drive.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!

It was only a lane change!

I drive this way just to **** you off.

Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.

Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.

Caution. I swerve and hit people at random.

So many pedestrians, so little time.

Lost your cat? Look under my tires

<----Passing Side / Suicide---->

Hang up and drive. I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your arse?

Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

Now that you are on my ass you wanna get married?

Unless you are a Haemmoroid, get off my ass!

If you can't stop when I do, smile as you go under!

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!

I'm not tailgaiting I'm drafting!

I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada

If you can read this, you're to close. (Written in braille)

If you can read this, you're in phaser range

Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] One for the REMLR boys.

Do Not Tailgate, Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!

I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!

If you come any closer, I'll eat you.

You're not my bitch so get off my ass.

Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.

I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

I like cats, they taste just like chicken.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Cat... the other white meat.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Honk if parts fall off!

Hit me, I need money

Archeologists will date any old thing

Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

No radio. Already stolen.

Nonconformists are all alike.

The more people I know, the more I love my dog.

A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.

[VladTepes]

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">How Dogs and Men Are the Same </span>
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.



<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">How Dogs Are Better Than Men</span>
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

[VladTepes]

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU OWN A LANDROVER ?

* When you occasionally find rust flakes in your ears.
* If you keep these strange Imperial-thread bolts in your pocket in case the dashboard falls off.
* If WD40 has a higher priority on the household budget than milk.
* When your husband starts referring to you as "my ex-", although you are still married.
* If your bathtub bears a sign: "Not suitable for engine blocks".
* When you dream of burned Lucas electrics when your wife smokes a cigarette in bed
* If 10 lbs of of prime top soil fall on the tarmac when you smack your door shut
* If you store K&N air filter cleaning liquid under the kitchen sink because you need it so often
* When you drive in shorts in the winter to avoid wet jeans.
* If nobody parks next to you on a Saturday supermarket parking lot
* If only the African immigrants greet you in town
* If your kitchen table shows marks of engine blocks.
* When you can't find any clothes without battery acid holes or engine oil stains
* If you wonder why it smells so funny if you throw a cig butt on the floor of a rental car
* If you start every conversation in the vehicle with "one, two, test" to check the intercom
* When even Russians don't believe your truck is only 20 years old
* When there are more tools in the truck than in your house
* If you think it's essential to carry 20 litres of water at all times, even in Sydney.
* If the only two shops you know in town are the parts dealer and the tool shop
* When you decide on weekend plans in bed and the alternatives are grease-up or fix the radiator
* If you buy rear mirrors in bulk at the farmer's union shop
* When the GPS in your vehicle has the main purpose to replace the speedo and odometer
* When you are surprised that the 'Roadworthy' mentions the condition of your seats in the report
* If you wonder why the moss in your truck's inner window sills is greener than your lawn
* When you are used to switch off headlights before indicating right because they interfere
* If all your jacket pockets and belt loops are torn by LR door locks
* When you find a gas evaporator between salt and pepper in the kitchen
* When a Russian women observes 'these are not women's hands' and someone adds 'just don't ask her what she has been repairing this time...'
* When your friends steal imperial sockets for you as a wedding present
* When your handbag contains pliers, multimeter, Swisstool, insulation tape, 30 amps fuses, compass, imperial bolts and a torch
* If you only dare to use the coin operated car wash on a dark Sunday night
* If friends don't want you to show up in the afternoon because they got visitors but then they call you at 8 AM on a Sunday morning when they're stuck in the forest.
* when other girls give you a 1 1/8" socket as a present -and they know you love it!
* You can't decide whether to park on a hill in case your starter fails or on the flat in case your handbrake fails.
* You put your coat on as you get INTO your car.
* You keep degreaser in the shower.
* When you borrow your Mums Hyundai it feels like a sports car.
* You get lent to elderly relatives and their friends to get the compost from the garden centre. Two tonnes at a time.
* Your friends all want to ride in your car if you're going less than three miles. If you're travelling more than three miles, they volunteer to walk.
* Your mates laugh at your car until theirs needs pulling out of a ditch.
* While driving, you frequently turn down the volume of the stereo .... to check for new noises
* You stop at a petrol station to top up oil and to check the petrol level
* Your washing machine never gets unemployed
* Your favourite books are the parts catalogue and the repair manual
* The wife says its me or that thing, she takes one look at you, and packs.
* You can trust your husband: If he stays out all night long it's because he's stuck in the forest and not because of another woman
* When you don't worry when your hubby says he takes out the Landy for half an hour and he doesn't come back all night long
* When you are buying dark nail varnish only to hide away black marks under the finger nails
* When you ask for "Epsom Green" when buying nail varnish
* When your living room looks like a scrap-yard
* When your dishwasher dies because of engine oil sediments
* Sales reps in nice shiny sedans laugh derisively, until it snows
* police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket
* people in VW camper vans follow you so they can watch someone else break down
* everyone in the landy dealer knows you by name
* you have bulk discounts at the landy dealer parts counter
* When the men at the Landy repair place know you better than your wife.
* Other motorists laugh at your attempt at a 3 point turn in your Series 3 Land Rover.