Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'>

Originally posted by p38arover@
<!--QuoteBegin-Ace

See what you have gone and done now ron, you have everybody spell checking and tearing apart other peoples pieces of writing. Matt

Excellent! (rub's hand's together) [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

Ron

(and I didn't even correct your lines above! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Bugger! No one even commented on my deliberate mis-use of those two apostrophes! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Ron[/b][/quote]

Oh, we saw it, we just dont care enough to say anything. Matt

>>A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
>
>>coffee
>
>>> > each morning.
>>> >
>>> > The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
>
>>we
>
>>> > don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
>>> >
>>> > The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here. You
>
>>should
>>do
>
>>> > it, because that is your job; and I can just wait for my coffee".
>>> >
>>> > Wife replies, "No, you should do it. Besides, it is in the Bible

that

>>the
>
>>> > man should make the coffee".
>>> >
>>> > Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me".
>>> >
>>> > So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at
>
>>the
>>top
>
>>> > of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS."

They always win, when really they dont if ya get my drift. They always have to bring up something from the past to use against us. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Matt

You know you're in Auatralia in January when:-



a.. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

b.. Hot water comes out of both taps.

c.. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

d.. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

e.. You discover that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

f.. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.

g.. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

h.. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

i.. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and

end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

j.. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

k.. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them

from laying hard-boiled eggs.

l.. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

m.. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

n.. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a
tightrope act on the white lines in the car park.

o.. You catch a cold from having the air conditioner full blast while you
sleep during the night.

p.. You learn that the local Mall isn't a shopping centre it's a temple to
worship air-conditioning.


Cheers
Knight :wink:

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for
the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the
persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves
from the gene pool.

The 2004 nine nominees are:

Nominee #1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee #2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he
was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns
got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns'
clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft! "

Nominee #3: [Hickory Daily Record]:Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally
shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound
of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but
grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he
drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states
always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)

Nominee #4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as
he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Darwin nominees. To! ronto Sun newspaper
that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200 man
association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the
awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

Nominee #5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no
mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in
his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans, beer and cabbage
(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of
foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the
poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or
had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man
was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article,
"He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas."
Three of the r! escuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

I like the one from a few years back when a drunk guy said he could bungee jump of the local bridge. When they arrived they realised they didnt have a bungee rope. Luckily, lieing on the ground near by was a telecommunications cable. He said this will do tied it off and around his legs and jumped off. When the cable went tight it ripped both his feet off and he plunged into the river below.

There was also another one where a main was smothered to death in elephant ****. He was in working in the pen when and elephant lowered its arse onto his head andhe became stuck in the elephants arse. Matt

Did anyone see the show on TV (I think it was called urban mythbusters or something like that) lately which explored the validity of the Darwin Aqrd claim for the car with JATO pack attached sailing off a dliff 300 metres into the side of another cliff. :?:

How did they test it ?

Well, they attached some rockets to a car, obviously.


Talk about having fun..... some interesting engineering issues too.


And was it an urban myth?

Yes, yes it was.

Subject: Worth reflecting





With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth
reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble
started