Jokes

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VICBITTER"
cheap at the local BottleO.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short
skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger
window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in bartering,
handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer??...

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"



(Spoken like a true Aussie)

The jokes are a bit slow at the moment. I love a good joke:Rolling: and we have 19 days between the last two!:thumbsdown:

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Originally Posted by d2dave

The jokes are a bit slow at the moment. I love a good joke:Rolling: and we have 19 days between the last two!:thumbsdown:

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Here's a few one liners for you....

.. When fish are in school?? they sometimes take debate

.. A thief who stole a calendar?? got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles??. U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married?? They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage?.. she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Centre??. you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone?? it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry??. it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Prisons these days are like holiday camps

Full of 1970's entertainers

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.


The woman said she would try her best.


God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.


"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."


"They don't like that in heaven", said God........



The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Woolworths either!"

Patient in mental hospital breaks into laundry facility rapes two workers and escapes .Newspaper headline reads . Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

I eventually found out why a fellow worker was called wombat. Eats roots shoots and leaves.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ancient Mariner

Patient in mental hospital breaks into laundry facility rapes two workers and escapes .Newspaper headline reads . Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

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That was old when I was a kid o 'ancient' one. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...017/03/373.jpg

A pilot lands in Brisbane, comes off duty and walks into a bar. He sits beside an extremely beautiful young woman, looks at her and then checks his nice new Apple watch.
The young woman notices and asks if his date is running late.
The pilot replies, ?No, it's just that my Apple watch is state of the art and I like to check how it's performing.?
?State of the art??? she asks, more than a little intrigued. ?Tell me, why is it so special, what's it able to do??
?Well,? says the pilot, ? it operates on alpha waves and talks to me telepathically.?
Slightly doubtful, the woman asks, ?What's it telling you now??
?That you're not wearing any panties??
The woman giggles. ?It's broken! I most certainly am wearing panties!?
The pilot looks again, taps the watch and says, ?Oh damn, I'm still on Eastern Daylight Time, it's an hour fast.?
NOW THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CONFIDENCE?

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying ?God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.? Father said, ?Why did you say good-bye grandpa?? The little girl said, ?I don't know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.? The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: ?God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.? The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say ?God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.? He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, ?I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?? He said, ?I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life.?

She said, ?You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.?