Thread: Jokes

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.
The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....
But the maniac stays.

Breaking News: Fred the Weatherman faces jail term following child abuse conviction.

Consequently, I forecast a 95% chance of some deeply unpleasant showers.

I was a very happy man; my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate as she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to ?check my sister's wedding invitations?, she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said ?Before you commit your life to my sister?.
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, ?I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me?.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, ?Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son?.
And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

In anything you do, there are two rules to follow if you want to guarantee success:

1. Never tell anyone everything that you know.

WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''

''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

Aow0001.jpeg

The Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ?I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes??
St. Peter said, ?That's a question only God can answer.?
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, ?God, please ? I must know am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes??
God simply replied, ?You are what you are.?
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ?Well, did God straighten out your query for you??
The zebra looked puzzled. ?No sir, God simply said ?You are what you are.?
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ?Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.?
The zebra asked St. Peter, ?How do you know that for certain??
?Because,? said St. Peter, ?If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ?You is what you is.?

A year 7 student told me this joke, so apologies in advance.


A platypus needed some cash, so he asked an eel to lend him $20, but the eel was skint. 'Never mind," said the platypus, "I'll go to the riverbank." Ka-boom!

Originally Posted by DiscoMick

A year 7 student told me this joke, so apologies in advance.


A platypus needed some cash, so he asked an eel to lend him $20, but the eel was skint. 'Never mind," said the platypus, "I'll go to the riverbank." Ka-boom!

He shouldve taken the duck with him he has heaps of cash but could put it on his bill