Jokes

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.

Flatulence Personified
Medical term: Phar ting Phree Lee

AUTHOR UNKNOWN, BUT WE?LL SMELL HIM/HER OUT FOR SURE

Former First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks.

Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you, I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet said, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, smelliest fart I can. Believe me, that takes the wind out of their sails, so to speak!?

Hillary was impressed and thanked the Attorney General for her sage advice and hurried home.

Well, that night Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for the bed. She could hear him stir, and knew he would want some action.

She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him, she tenses up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?"

What was the priest's favourite music scale?
A minor.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

The above one about Hillary Clinton remind me of an "advertorial" for a supposed product which portrays her as a leading user of it. Try Googling "liagra" and check the details. Picture of packet containing liagra - made by "Lizer comes in happens to be effectively the same as those containing Viagra made by Pfizer. Further details start with it being for ED - in this case Extreme Dishonesty and "For Stronger Fabrications", "reduces sense of remorse: etc etc. Seems an important use for it is to help politicians be more proficient liars.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.

How many sound technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, One Two.

The Irish Wedding

At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the
married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your
life worth living.'

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

how many rabbits does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, but the real question is how do you get rabbits into a light bulb?

The Government owned a Wreaking Yard in the middle of the desert.
Some one decided that people could steal from the yard so they needed a Watchman, they hired a Watchman.
Then they thought how will the Watchman know how to do his job? So they hired 2 people, 1 to write the instructions & 1 to do the training.
Then they decided they would have to make sure these workers were safe so they hired 2 more people, 1 to write the WHS plan & 1 to do the training.
Then they asked how will these people get paid? So they hired 2 people, 1 payroll officer & 1 administration clerk.
Then they thought such a large group of people will need supervision so they hired 2 people, 1 manager & a secretary to assist them.
Then some decided that the budget would need controlling so they hired 2 people, 1 financial controller & another admin clerk.

The financial controller discovered that they were $300000 over budget!!

So they laid off the Watchman.

reminds of this one. telstra anyone?

An Australian company and a Japanese company decided to have a competitive boat race on the River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Australian team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the Australian team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The Australian Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The Australian Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.