while we're on dad jokes..
Why did the Wombat cross the road?
He wanted to see his flatmate
How do you trap a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice. Put peas around it. When the polar comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
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while we're on dad jokes..
Why did the Wombat cross the road?
He wanted to see his flatmate
How do you trap a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice. Put peas around it. When the polar comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
There was an english language competition.
200 people were participating.
Challenge was to show PEACEFULNESS, HAPPINESS AND
CALMNESS in one sentence.
Only one person got award.
He wrote ......,
*"MY WIFE IS SLEEPING"*
Judges hugged him with excitement while presenting the award
A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia ."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan . I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australian?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature".
Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!?"
- The Early worm gets eaten...Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatso
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore". "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since" replied Jack. "That must be expensive". Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month". Jack told him. "$5,000!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "I don't know, that's his problem".
Wife - I am Going out for 2 hours. Do u want anything...?
Husband - No, That's enough
A drunk little Irishman walks into a cafe and orders breakfast. He says to the waitress, I want my toast burnt and cold with cold butter smashed into it. I want the bacon charcoaled beyond recognition and the eggs barely cooked and all runny and gooey. And the coffee needs to be cold and stale. The waitress looks shocked and kindly says to him "Sorry sir, we don't serve food like that" He looks puzzled and in a drunken slur says, "Why not?, you did yesterday"