Thread: Jokes

Bahahahahhaha

Simple things at work can make such a difference - for example, morale has improved measurably since we put a tarp over Daves body...

Why couldn't the sailors play cards?

The captain was sitting on the deck.

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them? So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian

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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

An old hard working cowboy who has never had a day off in his life, decides to take some time off to "find himself" before he dies, so he rides to the nearest town and goes into the 1st bar he comes across. When he sits down he notices the woman on the barstool next to him looking quizzically at this clothes, hat, chaps, spurs, etc, so says by way of explanation "Hi, I'm a cowboy", she replies "Hi, I'm a lesbian", he says "Oh, and what does a lesbian do?" she says "All day long I dream about meeting women, holding women, kissing women, etc"

Next day he his back on the ranch and foreman says, "Back so soon, what did you discover?" and the cowboy says, "All my life I thought I was a cowboy, now I discover I'm a lesbian!"

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

VW is bringing out a new electric car, it's going to be called a "Voltswagen".