Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Eevo

Did you hear about the Nazi running for Congress as a Republican?

With megalomaniac tendencies?
Who has no concept of the rule of law?
A malignant narcissist?

It's no joke....

What do you call a horse who likes arts and crafts?

A hobby horse.

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What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A piiig!!

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Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

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Three fish are in a tank.

One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to be smoking.

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What do you call a three legged donkey?

A wonky

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How do you know when you're going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

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A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

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My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

I said, "Usually an overdose, son."

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a Rottweiler?

Just the Rottweiler.

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A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouts, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replies, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

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What's a dentist's favourite musical instrument?

A tuba toothpaste.

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How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

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What did the Policeman say to his bellybutton?

You're under a vest......

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My friend was annoyed with me for messing with her red wine.

So I added some fruit and lemonade, now she sangria than ever!

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I recently had the privelege of acting in a silent version of "Oliver".

It was brilliant, I could not have asked for more.

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They scoffed when I told them that I had discovered the secret of invisibility.

If they could just see me now...

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My great uncle was a microbiologist during WW2 but he was really unpopular.

He was a germ man.

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Which US state has the tiniest soft drinks?
Mini-soda!!

Where's the best place to buy a football shirt?
New Jersey!

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Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them...

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Why did the cobbler go to Heaven?

Because he had a good sole!

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Why did the Koala have to shop on ebay?

Because he couldn't find it on Gumtree!

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How do you get two whales in a car?

You start in England and drive west!

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When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

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Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?

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Did you know that an unemployed jester is nobody's fool?

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2 astronauts were in the space station making their morning coffee on their first day in space.

Astronaut 1: "I can't seem to find any milk up here?"
Astronaut 2: "In space no one can. Here, use cream".

If you suck at playing the Trumpet thats probably why !!

Originally Posted by Fatso

If you suck at playing the Trumpet thats probably why !!

Arent u supposed to blow in a trumpet🤣🤣🤣

A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks.The owner is curious but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

should have used birdseed

I went to buy a sewing kit today, it was full of strawberries.

Q: What's a schizophrenic's favourite song?
A: I'll Never Walk Alone.