Thread: Jokes

Now that I have gone bald I think I will get a picture of a Rabbit tattooed on the top of my head.







Because from a distance it will look like Hare.

__c7207c7f4e6fc6a016ac8e3ef1918305_width-300.jpeg

__144532bddd806b75693c3a1cb6619871_width-300.jpeg

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands.

“What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.


“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Paddy travels to Belfast to visit Australia house, expressing an interest in migration to the Colonies.

Paddy "Oock, what do I need to do to live in Australia?
Interviewer "Well Paddy, first we need to know your IQ."
Paddy "Begorough, what if it's 150?"
Interviewer "That's a good IQ Paddy, you could have your choice of job; forum owner, shed builder or truck driver."
Paddy "Geez, I've not had it tested lately, what if it was only 100?"
Interviewer "That's still a good IQ Paddy, you could be any sort of tradie health worker or middle manager."
Paddy "Hmmm, what if it's only 50?"
Interviewer "Oh Paddy, that's not a very good IQ, but we might be able to squeeze you in as an IT specialist or street sweeper."
Paddy "Ahh, what if it is just 10?"
Interviewer "Only 10 Paddy, 10? If your IQ was only ten, you wouldn't be able to tie your shoes!"
Paddy "So is that why all Australians wear thongs?"

Apologies to Spudfan for the accent, even though you're from the South.

Originally Posted by V8Ian

Paddy travels to Belfast to visit Australia house, expressing an interest in migration to the Colonies.

Paddy "Oock, what do I need to do to live in Australia?
Interviewer "Well Paddy, first we need to know your IQ."
Paddy "Begorough, what if it's 150?"
Interviewer "That's a good IQ Paddy, you could have your choice of job; forum owner, shed builder or truck driver."
Paddy "Geez, I've not had it tested lately, what if it was only 100?"
Interviewer "That's still a good IQ Paddy, you could be any sort of tradie health worker or middle manager."
Paddy "Hmmm, what if it's only 50?"
Interviewer "Oh Paddy, that's not a very good IQ, but we might be able to squeeze you in as an IT specialist or street sweeper."
Paddy "Ahh, what if it is just 10?"
Interviewer "Only 10 Paddy, 10? If your IQ was only ten, you wouldn't be able to tie your shoes!"
Paddy "So is that why all Australians wear thongs?"

Apologies to Spudfan for the accent, even though you're from the South.

That was subtle.

The SA cops just found that pizza guy dead, apparently he was covered in tomato, salami, pineapple, and ham.

They reckon he topped himself


borrowed from bookface