Jokes

Q: How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin?
A: Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve, and the rest will run away.

In a Soviet army camp, the Sergeant is mustering the troops for their mental abilities.
Sergeant to Soldier 1: "Name an animal that can fly!"
Soldier 1: "A swan, comrade!"
Sergeant to Soldier 2: "Name an animal that can fly!"
Soldier 2: "A dove, comrade!"
Sergeant to Soldier 3: "Name an animal that can fly!"
Soldier 3: "A crocodile, comrade!"
Sergeant to soldier 3: "What?!? Are you insane?!? Who told you that?"
Soldier 3: "The General, comrade."
Sergeant: "Well yes they do fly, but very low above ground ..."

Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting the USSR. The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code - write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad. The man goes to the USSR and a few weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about the USSR, how rich it is and how nice the people are to him and writes, "My only complaint is, is that they don't have red pens."

Brilliant collection!

Q: How do all Russian jokes start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

1950s, Soviet Russia. In a KGB office, an anonymus report runs in with the following:
"I have undeniable information that Ivan Ivanovich is an enemy of the State - he is smuggling diamonds in a pile of logs."
Officers soon raid his house, toss the logpile around, but just to be sure, they cut each and every log in half in case Ivan hid the diamonds in there. Since they find nothing, they excuse themselves and leave. Soon after, the phone rings in Ivanovich's house which he answers.
"Did the KGB visit you?"
"Yes."
"Did they cut all your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Okay, now you'll report me, I want to dig up my garden."

American, German and Russian scientists sit together. American says: "we researched an invention with which we are able to see out of the water. It's called periscope.
German says: "We invented something to see smallest lifeforms and microorganisms. It's called microscope.
Russian says: "Is nothing, us found something to look through half a meter of concrete wall! The other two say: "That's impossible, there's no such thing, what is that?"










Russian: "Window."

American tourist walking in a Russian museum when he notices 3 paintings, each of those depicting a man unfamiliar to him. He asks the guide :
" Who is the man on the first painting ? "
Guide says : " Thats Comrade Volkov, he invented the steam engine."
" And the second man ? "
" Thats Comrade Segov, he invented the diesel engine ."
" And the third ? "
" Thats Comrade Valagov ."
" What did he invented ? "
" The previous two, in 1918 "

What is the difference between tragedy and problem?
If Comrade Brezhnev dies in a plane crash, it is a tragedy. But not a problem.

Putin: Im going to tell you a joke about Americans.
Dude: I am American!!
Putin: Dont worry, I will tell you twice.