Thread: Jokes

STOLEN CAR


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out...

"Holy ****! M y girlfriend's gone, too!!

> A white guy is walking along a beach
> when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
> > He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
> Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
> wishes.

> The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde
> genies disappear.
> The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course
> mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
>
> After he makes love to all of them, he begins to
> explore this fabulous house.
>
> Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet,
> he looks down and the floor is covered in $100
> bills.
>
> Then, there's a knock at the door.
> He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan

> outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
> limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
>
>
>
> As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two
> blonde genies.
>
> One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
> understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big
> mansion to make love to.
>
> I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
> But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Rural Australian Computer Terminology
A little bit of Aussie kulcha.....
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies..
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps, or one of "those" dances you get at the club!!
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

A jockey gets booked to ride a horse he's never heard of in a steeplechase race, so he turns up on the day and meets the owner. "This is a wonderful horse, but there's one thing you absolutely must agree to do. As you approach each jump, you must scream out, 'Whoo, up and over'. " Well, the rider is nonplussed, but he agrees. The race starts and as they approach the first jump the jockey thinks, "I'm not gonna call that out, I'll look stupid", so he stays silent. The horse slams straight into the jump, knocks it flying, staggers around a bit and resumes racing. As they approach the second jump, the rider thinks, "Well, ok..." and very quietly whispers, "Whoo up and over", but again the horse slams into the barrier, staggers a bit and starts racing again. Heading for the third barrier and the rider thinks, "OK, I better make a noise, even if I look stupid." So he screams out, "Whoo, up and over". The horse lifts off and makes a beautiful jump, lands and races off to win the event. As the horse and jockey re-enter the yard, the owner runs up and congratulates him. The jockey says, "Thanks, but what's wrong with this horse anyway - is he deaf?" "No, not deaf - he's blind!" says the owner.

The mother of Caster Semenya, the world 800mtr champion has reportedly said, " The sports doping committe wants to do a hormone test on my daughter, they dont trust her, I can't believe it. It's a real kick in the bollocks for her!"

The lawyer takes a seat in the plane and was asked by the hostie what he had in the styrene box to which he replies, Darlin' I have a couple of the finest lobsters you will ever taste and they are not leaving my sight. The hosties replied I'm sorry sir but we cannot take off until you give the package and I stow it away, but dont worry I will put in the crew's refrigerator downstairs where it will be safe. The lawyer reluctantly gives up his lobsters continually reminding the hostie what a big shot lawyer he is and if one lobster is dead or missing he will sue her #$%# and he will make sure she is saked and never works in the industry again. All through the flight the lawyer gives her a hard time until they arrive at their destination and then the hostie gets on the PA system and asks "Attention Ladies and Gentleman, could the Gentleman who gave me the crabs at our last stop please put his hand up" to which there was no reply.

Two mates sitting quietly by the river fishing, the first guy says,
"I'm thinking of leaving my wife, she never talks to me anymore"
His mate takes a sip of his beer, thinks for a moment and replies,
"Mate, If I were you I would think long and hard about that decision,
a good woman like that is hard to find"

Wife says to husband,
"What is reincarnation"
husband replies
" That's when you come back as something else when you die"
Wife says
"I want to come back as a pig"
Husband replies
"You're not listening are you, I said something ELSE!"