Jokes

**RichardK** · 19th October 2009, 11:18 PM

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE !!!!!!!!!

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'

**RichardK** · 26th October 2009, 11:30 PM

A SAD SAD TALE THIS IS!
On my 65th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living in nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

DiscoMick · 27th October 2009, 07:58 PM

Q: How do you make a bear cross?
A: Nail two of them together.

Boom, boom.

**digger** · 28th October 2009, 01:12 AM

Originally Posted by DiscoMick

Q: How do you make a bear cross?
A: Nail two of them together.

Boom, boom.

Thanks Bazil Brush!!! (two elephants fell off a cliff........ Boom Boom!)

**hiline** · 1st November 2009, 08:56 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?

"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.

"So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and say, '$20 or off it comes'."

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

''Well you know, not everybody pays!!!!!!''

**hiline** · 1st November 2009, 09:08 AM

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said "As I'm a Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

ohleaky1 · 1st November 2009, 03:41 PM

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest "Father i almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said "what do you mean almost?"

The man said "well we got undressed and rubbed together, but then i stopped."

The priest said "rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Your not to see her again. For your penance, say five hail marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest who was watching , quickly ran over to him saying "you didn't put any money in the box!"
The man replied, " yeah , but i rubbed the $50 note on the box, and according to you, thats the same as putting it in!"

**mox** · 2nd November 2009, 12:02 AM

Originally Posted by hiline

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said "As I'm a Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

Undoubtedly many people would regard this as describing the current political situation. However, many jokes have had earlier versions. I first heard basically the same one referring to Paul Keating when he was Prime Minister. It applied more to him than probably any other leader this "Country" has had.

At least Kevin Rudd does not try to change the subject and talk about Australia becoming a republic when people draw attention to him making a mess of things, or engage in personal abuse of his opponents under Parliamentary priviledge, such as referring to them as "scumbags" and the Senate, which sometimes kept Keating in check as "unrepresentative swill".

**pop058** · 2nd November 2009, 05:45 AM

Originally Posted by mox

Undoubtedly many people would regard this as describing the current political situation. However, many jokes have had earlier versions. I first heard basically the same one referring to Paul Keating when he was Prime Minister. It applied more to him than probably any other leader this "Country" has had.

At least Kevin Rudd does not try to change the subject and talk about Australia becoming a republic when people draw attention to him making a mess of things, or engage in personal abuse of his opponents under Parliamentary priviledge, such as referring to them as "scumbags" and the Senate, which sometimes kept Keating in check as "unrepresentative swill".

boom boom

**blitz** · 2nd November 2009, 09:52 AM

The Irish wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler [Paddy] were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer [Sean] came to Paddy and said, 'Now listen here Paddy, whatever ya do me lad, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian fella. He's never lost a match because of the 'pretzel' hold he has. So, whatever ya do lad, fer god’s sake, don’t be letting him get ya in that-there hold!
If he does, ya're finished; kaput; a goner; fenito, fer sure.'

Paddy nodded his acknowledgment.

As the match started, Paddy and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Paddy, and, you guessed it, wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and Sean buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He just couldn't bear to watch the inevitable happen.

Then suddenly, there was a long, high-pitchedscream, followed by a cheer from the crowd and, asSean raised his eyes out of his hands,he was just in time to catch sight of the Russian go flyin, up in the air, his back finally hitting the mat with a loud thud,followed byPaddy collapsing on top of him, making the pin, and winning the match.

Sean was absolutely gob-smacked. When he finally got Paddy alone, he asked, 'How in god’s name did ya ever manage to get out of that hold? Sure no one has ever done the like of it before?'

Paddy answered, 'Well, I was good and ready as to have given up after he got me into that hold, but just at the last minute, didn’t I manage to open me eyes and there, right in front of me I saw this pair of testicles,hanging, right there, in front of me face. I decided I had nothing to lose, so, with me last ounce of strength, I stretched out me neck, and bit on those babies, just as hard as I could.'

Sean exclaimed, 'So, that's how you finished him off?’

'Well, no, not really Sean’, Paddy replied,Sure ya'd be absolutely amazed at how strong yacan get, when yahave a bite of yar own nuts!’

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