Thread: Jokes

deleted...... think i should keep it PG......

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

I have just been watching a Sky news report.


Apparently the Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
I was shocked I didnt know they were getting involved.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..

Looks like it was a mortar attack.


FUNNY SIGNS

Gynaecologist's Office.....'DR DANIELS AT YOUR CERVIX'

In Paediatrist's Office....."WOUNDS ALL HEELS'

On a septic tank truck......"YESTERDAY'S MEALS ON WHEELS

On a plumber's truck........"WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED"

On another Plumbers truck.."DON'T SLEEP WITH A DRIP. CALL YOUR PLUMBER"

On a church's Bill board.......'7 DAYS WITHOUT GOD MAKES ONE WEAK"

At a tyre store.................."INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOW OUT"

On an Electrian's truck........."LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS"

In a no smoking area..........."IF WE SEE SMOKE,WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION"

On a Maternity room door......"PUSH PUSH PUSH"

At an Optometrist's Office......" IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE."

On a taxidermist's window......."WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF"

On a fence........................."SALESMEN WELCOME! DOG FOOD EXPENSIVE!"

At a car dealership................"THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET- MISS A CAR PAYMENT"

Outside a car exhaust store......"NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY; WE HEAR YOU COMING."

In a vet's waiting room............"BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES. SIT! STAY!"

In a restaurant window............"DON'T STAND AND BE HUNGRY; COME ON IN AND GET FED UP"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home .." DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT"

Radiator shop........................"BEST PLACE IN TOWN TO TAKE A LEAK.

Another septic tank truck..........."CAUTION- THIS TRUCK IS FULL OF POLITICAL PROMISES"

Movie Quiz:
1.) Pick a number from 1-9.
2.) Multiply by 3.
3.) Add 3.
4.) Multiply by 3 again.
5.) Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of movies below:


Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Julia Gillard Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Whats the difference between a Landrover Station Wagon and the QLD labour Party?

The landy has more seats

hi dave
can i steal that last joke for a Morris minor car club magazine please? do i acknowledge the forum or you for it?

A old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin’ yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

Originally Posted by bigcarle

hi dave
can i steal that last joke for a Morris minor car club magazine please? do i acknowledge the forum or you for it?

go for it, no credit needed.